Counselling

Replacement

At counselling today, we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom had thrown a huge spanner in the works. He’d given me a lift as my car is still broken, and suddenly he asked my opinion on the time we had sex a couple of months ago. I…

Struck

At today’s counselling session, I really wanted to talk about Phil, relationships, lack of work and direction, but the counsellor wanted to continue what we’d started with Mum last time, so we chatted about that the whole time. I’m glad we did. She said she’s seen people before whose childhoods haven’t been as bad as…

Destroyed

I saw my counsellor for the second time today. She asked how my week had been and if I knew what I’d like to talk about today. I explained that, despite having seen a couple of counsellors before, I’d always refused to talk about my mum, so I said that for our sessions I know…

Bittersweet

My Dad rang this morning; he said he wanted to see how I was, as I’d been on his mind the last few days. He wondered if everything was okay. The cynical part of me thinks he saw something that I posted on Facebook last night, and he’s turning it around so it seems that…

Reminiscing

I couldn’t settle last night. I was restless because Phil had texted me in the afternoon and was being sexually suggestive. The messages stopped abruptly at 6 pm, mid-conversation, which means he chose to spend the night with Antonia. Strangely, I don’t feel jealous at all; I just feel very uneasy with it all. All…

Flaws

Never has it been clearer to me that I need to do some major work on myself. I’m taking a long, hard look at myself this week and seeing that I am actually completely unfulfilled in almost every area of my life. I feel empty much of the time, and I lack intimate relationships because…

Synchronicities

I’ve had a lot of indecision over the last year or two about my career, partly because of not feeling good enough – which I’m ignoring even if it still tries to remind me. Partly it was also because there are so many things I love doing – that I want to do and that…

Centred

Phil texted me tonight. He said he’d realised that the last two years he’d been entirely selfless, that he gave nothing but love and that what he had back from me was nothing but selfishness. He said he no longer trusted me, and that I had hurt him so deeply over the last two years….

Deep

When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.

Vocation

I recently read The Five Love Languages, and within three chapters, I understood my relationship history, what made some relationships work for as long as they did and why they had ultimately failed. I worked out that to feel loved, I need physical touch and I need quality time with my partner. Those men who…

Needs

I went back to see Jane, my counsellor, today. I haven’t felt a need to see her since February, but now and then over the last couple of months, I’ve felt a need to talk to her, mainly about my relationship with Phil.

Meals

I slept really badly – my mind was nagging at me throughout the night. It all seemed to stem from the most innocent of conversations with Phil about the meals he eats; microwave meals most of the time, as he sees no point in cooking just for himself and is too tired to prepare and…

Versus

During my last counselling session, Jane wanted me to explore whether Tom is kind or unkind to me. I decided to look at our most recent interactions. Kind Unkind

Gift

What better day than Christmas Day to have a massive realisation that you really feel deep within, one that resonates so much that you can’t ignore it. A day of loving, of giving. Today, to myself. Just like last year, Tom came to stay on Christmas Eve as well as tonight, to spend Christmas with…

Liar

At my counselling session, Jane gave me a set of Russian Dolls, asked me to take them home and work with them. She wanted me to look at each layer and really feel what each layer represents in Tom. I did this exercise tonight. It was very painful, and I really didn’t want to do…

Needy

At my counselling session today, I told Jane that I think I’m too needy. Jane asked me to tell her what being needy means for me. Needy means I am lacking in love. I need and like a lot of physical affection. I love being hugged and kissed. I love having sex; I love the…

Link

At my counselling session today, we discussed something that’s become a bit of a problem recently – my use of the internet. My eyes open, I go downstairs, and almost every day I turn on my laptop before I do anything else. Some mornings we’re late for school because I’ve spent time on there. Often…

Deluge

For far too long I’ve felt like surrendering to my pain and allowing myself to drop deeper into the black hole that has become my life for the last eleven months. Instead, I went to see the doctor two weeks ago. She said I was depressed, that the last few years have caught up with me and…

Tangled

A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….

Responsibility

I went to a past life workshop today. The first meditation we did was an Inner Guide meditation. The lady running the group, Margaret, laid out her tarot cards and asked us to choose the one that jumped out at us. Immediately one did, but I wanted to look at all the others first. I…

Worth

I am viewing a house this week that may be ideal for us. I have a few reservations about the area – it’s slightly further away than I wanted to go, which makes it more difficult for the children to easily see their friends – but I know we can work around that. The house…

Over

I’ve told Tom that it’s over and that I will be moving out as soon as I can. He keeps trying to hug me, but I brush him off. We haven’t had any physical contact for six months and no longer sleep in the same bed, so why now? I know now that he will…

Forward

We were supposed to be clearing the garden today, ready for new turf. It’s a big garden with lots of crap dumped in it, so it was a whole day’s work. I went outside with Annie and started to tidy while Tom sat doing nothing except scrolling through Facebook. Eventually, after I’d dug up and…

Question

The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve deeper than I’ve ever gone before into all areas. Today it was money, namely Tom’s money. I don’t feel that I’m entitled to it, that it’s wrong for me to ask. And then there’s my…

Value

I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist, but I do know that I am feeling stronger each week, despite my near disaster three days ago. In turn, Tom seems weaker. His moods are awful lately; he senses the change within me, and it must threaten him. After all, he…

Dismiss

My psychotherapist says that I dismiss myself. Maybe I do, but when did it start? I know that Tom dismisses me often. I’ve just told him how lonely and isolated it is being a mum; he gave me ‘the look’ and dismissed it completely. He does this a lot. He’s done this for so long…

Inappropriate

I feel very tired today; I slept very badly last night. I had a conversation with Tom; I forgot what it was about now, but it was heated. I remembered the mindfulness that my psychotherapist spoke about; I reacted differently. My mum came around unexpectedly. I had feelings that I can’t put into words. Mum…

Investment

I’ve started seeing a psychotherapist. I can’t afford to, but I can’t afford not to. I’m seeing it as an investment in mine and my children’s future. I feel as though I’m going mad. Am I ill? Have I gone insane? Is this all my fault? I need to know. I need someone to give…

Fraud

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse, and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for a long time if Tom might be abusive, but I also wonder if I have mental health issues that make me paranoid and think that he’s abusive. I was hoping that by going along to…

Doubt

Despite what the counsellor said about me being negative, I’m starting to have doubts. I think she was wrong. Maybe I am negative, but Tom isn’t innocent in all of this; in fact, I’m starting to wonder if I might be in a verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. I’m also wondering if my…

Silenced

Amelia had some friends over to sleep tonight for her birthday. The girls’ bedroom isn’t big enough to sleep everyone, so I decided they could sleep downstairs in the living room. Tom has been in a mood all day; tonight he exploded. He said I had no right to arrange a sleepover in his house…

Inevitable

I had a counselling session today and have come to realise that the way I am with Tom is becoming more and more like the way my parents were with each other, and I don’t like it one bit. I definitely need to recognise it when it happens and change it. I was wondering if…

Negative

I’ve been going to counselling for just over a month. I thought it was starting to help in some way, but during my session today, the counsellor told me that I was a really negative person and that I see the negatives in everything. She said I must be difficult to live with, and it…

Relate

I’ve booked to see a counsellor next Tuesday, just for me; Tom doesn’t want to go. Things are getting really bad; we might be okay for a day or two, but then it starts to slip again. I phoned Relate this morning to see if they’d see me alone and how much they charge. I…

Session

Tom said he would do anything to make things better and agreed to go to couples counselling – not just because of what happened but because of everything – at least that was my hope.