At today’s counselling session, I really wanted to talk about Phil, relationships, lack of work and direction, but the counsellor wanted to continue what we’d started with Mum last time, so we chatted about that the whole time. I’m glad we did. She said she’s seen people before whose childhoods haven’t been as bad as mine was, and they’ve been unable to make major changes or move on. She said that because my childhood was so difficult and so traumatic for me, it has powered me in a way that those less troubled aren’t always able to do. She said it would appear that I took the anger and turned it into a very positive thing to ensure that my children had a better childhood. She made me realise that anger – when given respect – can be a very positive, life-changing emotion.

We talked some more about Mum, and I told her about Mum’s childhood and her life with Dad, me and my sisters, her parents when they were older, and my stepdad. I explained that she’s spent her whole life caring for everyone, and that she probably feels obligated to do it as she’d done it from such a young age. I felt quite empathic towards her, and I told the counsellor about how I almost parent my Mum now, encouraging her to create her own life away from the home a little and to learn to do her own thing. I said that after my stepdad dies, when she’s finally on her own with no excuses (assuming she doesn’t create one), I want to take care of her and give her the ‘childhood’ she missed out on; the unconditional love and support, especially when she gets old and needs more personal care.

Driving home, I thought about it some more, and I thought about how much I devote my time to the kids, how I give all of me to them, and I do so very happily and how I will also give myself to my parents when the time comes, and I will do it purely out of love. Something struck me. At what point do I give myself to me? When do I allow someone in to love me? When do I balance out the love so that I give and receive in equal measure?

Yesterday I opened a can of worms when I spent some time thinking about not being with Phil, and joining a dating site again one day; it frightened me. Taking the risk of letting someone into my life, knowing that by doing so I’ll have to share my precious time that I devote to the kids with someone else, is one of my biggest struggles.

Trusting a man around the kids – Josh, with his current lack of work and the anger that he feels around that – he needs a man who will understand that and not use it against him and me. Amelia and Rosie are growing up and need only a man in my life that respects them fully and sees them as the children that they still are and not the young women they’re growing into, and Annie, so young, vulnerable, and so in need of me still. A man would have to respect that too.

Does a man really exist who would understand and respect all of those different needs as well as my needs, which I know aren’t as simple as most women’s due to my history of being disrespected in relationships? Of course, I know Phil covers that pretty well, but I also know that what I feel with him just isn’t enough.