I woke up feeling really down and worthless this morning.

I had thoughts that I won’t even get an interview for the jobs I’ve applied for because I’m just not good enough. I feel totally worthless and like a failure. Not just because of work or career, but in all areas of my life. I took a test online about depression – who knows how accurate it is – and I scored as moderately to severely depressed. I cried at the result.

I think there may be some truth in it. I feel like I’m going again. I have no spark anymore. Maybe I feel no spark for Phil because I have no spark. Maybe he is in my life to show me what I’m lacking, not what we’re lacking. I can’t remember the last time I laughed or felt happy; all I do is feel tired, miserable, snappy, sad, angry and apathetic. I’m withdrawn, and I don’t even want to see anyone if I can help it.

The older girls decided to go to the beach today, which left just Annie and me. It was a sunny, hot day, and it wasn’t fair to keep her indoors all day, as much as I wanted to, so we went to the shore where we had a walk, some chips, went crabbing and ended with ice cream. Although I didn’t feel happy like I used to when going out, I felt slightly better for not being indoors.

This evening I’ve had a couple of vodkas. I more or less stopped drinking completely a couple of months ago – not that I ever drank that much or that often anyway – but I’ve barely touched a drop in two months. Tonight, after just one vodka, I started to feel a little bit normal. A little bit like I could cope with things – that I am good enough – and I felt more relaxed and ‘happier’ than I have for weeks. That is worrying. I don’t want alcohol to be the thing that I need to feel enough.