I went round to Tom’s today. We spent the day talking more than we have in a long time – the more we talked, the more I could feel all the old feelings come flooding back. He spoke about Josh and how much he cares for him but how angry he is with me for…
Tag: Angry
Repercussions
I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it, but because of Tom. The more time I spend in his company, the more exhausted I feel. He’s was here most of Christmas Eve including sleeping over that night so he could see Annie open her presents. He was here…
Sorry
This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…
Other
Yesterday continued to be a complete washout. I spent the evening at home feeling grumpy and unable to occupy myself. I flitted around between TV channels and crap on the internet before giving up and going to bed at about 10.30 pm. This morning I woke up full of rage, and I don’t know why….
Ripple
I was watching the news this morning when the reporter talked about a crash that occurred in the early hours of this morning. A man had driven into two girls aged fourteen and sixteen. The fourteen-year-old had died. The sixteen-year-old was in hospital in a critical condition. My very first thoughts were of Amelia and…
Move
I’ve noticed that my periods have changed recently, and I’m sure I’m in, or moving towards, peri-menopause. My last period started on the eleventh of September; I spotted for two days, then stopped. Four days later, I bled properly, then spotted for a couple more days. However, I think I ovulated last weekend – pain…
Pieces
I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…
Pressure
I’ve not been feeling good lately. I’m exhausted all of the time. I feel drained of all energy, yet I really struggle to sleep at night. Last night Amelia asked me if I could phone the dentist for her today. My internal reaction to her request was really negative. I felt as though it was…
Mink
Dreaming Tom and I are getting married. It is the morning of the wedding, but I’ve left the arranging until the last minute. This isn’t a problem though; it’s just the way I do everything. I choose a dress and some gold shoes, and we get married, although this part doesn’t feature. After the ceremony, we have a couple of photos taken by the photographer we’ve hired, and then we go on to the reception. Me and…
Offending
I’ve spent all day feeling angry. I’m angry at Phil, and I’m angry with someone I met recently and befriended, but who has already abused the friendship. Most of all, I’m angry at myself for allowing all this to happen in the first place. I’m so naive, and I’m too trusting. I always see the…
Surface
I don’t think Phil is genuine, not the way I once did. More and more, it feels as though he’s created a version of himself that he thinks I want, and every now and then, the real him slips through. Those moments make me question everything. A friend messaged me tonight to ask how I…
Going
I woke up feeling really down and worthless this morning. I had thoughts that I won’t even get an interview for the jobs I’ve applied for because I’m just not good enough. I feel totally worthless and like a failure. Not just because of work or career, but in all areas of my life. I…
Tough
Dreaming I go into Rosie’s bedroom after she has had friends to stay; the bedroom is a mess. I notice the mirror is in a different place; I look to where it usually is. There are two big holes in the wall that are deep enough to reach into Josh’s bedroom. I realise Rosie had her mirror here to hide them. I wonder if she’s been eating the cement the way I used to. The hole on the left has a lot of loose cement, dust-like. I scoop some…
January
I don’t know if the teenage years have well and truly hit or if I am messing up in my parenting.
Scream
I’ve been reading back over everything I wrote here over the years, and it makes for interesting and sad reading. It’s made me realise that, for now at least, I can’t see myself living with a man again. There is a part of me that loves the thought of living with someone I love, but…
Alone
Last week, a friend posted on Facebook directly after I posted about having a takeaway. It really offended and upset me. I’ve tried to rise above it and ignore it, but today I figured that if it’s still bothering me after five days, I should say something. I remembered one of the Five Regrets of…
Deep
When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.
Movement
The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I feel unsettled and stressed. I’ve had a constant feeling of anxiety – the sick feeling, the constant feeling of being on edge. Too much happened at once.
Source
Dreaming I am at the house of a woman; I may be moving to her house. She appears to be well dressed, well spoken, not posh but has an air about her. Her house has the feeling of a lot of white and gold, although I don’t actually ‘see’ the colours. While talking to her, I realise that I am parked in the car park and haven’t bought a ticket. I go outside, and a man tells me not to bother as it’s almost the time when…
Confirmation
Tom was rude to me again today. I thought I’d see if he wanted to pick Annie up from school with me. He got angry over the silliest thing, bared his teeth at me like a dog, snatched a piece of paper out of my hand, and practically spat his words out at me. But…
Sensation
Dreaming I am on holiday alone but am in someone’s suite in the guest house I’m staying at. There are two people here who are going to kill a man. They intend to kill him by electrocuting him in the bath, but first they want to knock him out to get him in the bath. They do something to him, which means he’s dead by the time they get him in the bath, and so they won’t have to electrocute him, but they do it…
Odd
Dreaming Julie is staying at my house because no one else wants her anymore. She is upstairs and has taken a hose from the bathroom, turned it on and soaked one of the bedroom carpets. There is water everywhere. I am so angry, and I don’t want her anymore now either. All of my family are sitting in a big circle. Tom, Izzy, my nieces and nephews, my children, everyone. Josh is feeling a bit scared and vulnerable; he is naked. He wants to sit on my lap. I think it’s a bit odd, but…
Missed
Dreaming I am sitting at a table with my family and friends. My aunt Mary is there, my cousins – although they don’t look like my cousins – apart from Ashley, who has a baby in her arms and is pregnant, which I didn’t know about; my friends Melissa and Rebecca. My family are all next to me to my right; Melissa in front on the next table with her back to me, and Rebecca on the table in front and to my left. Melissa turns around, and I…
Tangled
A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….
Glad
Dreaming I am standing on one side of a road; there is a man standing on the other side. We are holding a piece of orange tape in our hands. There is a woman in the middle, almost like a judge or referee but with no power as such, more a gentle guide in the process. We both pull on the tape. I can feel it digging into my hands, and then it snaps. There is a sense of relief; I felt quite angry with the man and am glad it has snapped now.
List
I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…
Cruel
His barbed words woke me constantly throughout the night to remind me of the past that just yesterday was my present. The past that I now know isn’t going to go away just because I’ve fled its shackles. The stars in the night sky sealed my heart as much as they sealed my fate. Soaking…
Money
Dreaming My Dad has died and left me nothing. I am at his house searching for his money. I know he has left it somewhere. I search everywhere, but I can’t find it. I remember the secret part of the house that no one but me knows about. I am certain he would have put it there. It is at the back of the house and through a door that nobody else goes into. I have been in this secret part before in another dream;…
Oppression
Dreaming I am in the dining area of the kitchen of the house at Church Lane. Dad is sitting at the dining table, and Mum is in the kitchen area. The room is unbearably hot, with steam swarming around the room making it difficult to see clearly. I can see enough to see that the house hasn’t changed at all over the last twenty years. Unable to stand the heat any longer, I open the window, releasing a torrent of steam. I watch relief wash over Mum, and then…
Question
The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve deeper than I’ve ever gone before into all areas. Today it was money, namely Tom’s money. I don’t feel that I’m entitled to it, that it’s wrong for me to ask. And then there’s my…
Value
I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist, but I do know that I am feeling stronger each week, despite my near disaster three days ago. In turn, Tom seems weaker. His moods are awful lately; he senses the change within me, and it must threaten him. After all, he…
Testing
Dreaming
Investment
I’ve started seeing a psychotherapist. I can’t afford to, but I can’t afford not to. I’m seeing it as an investment in mine and my children’s future. I feel as though I’m going mad. Am I ill? Have I gone insane? Is this all my fault? I need to know. I need someone to give…
Consequence
Dreaming Tom and I are arguing; I feel really angry and frustrated with him. I get two knives out of the kitchen drawer and go into the dining room with them, but I no longer feel angry. I go into the kitchen to find Tom standing with his back to me by one of the sides. I go behind him and jokingly run the big knife along the top of his shoulder muscle. It splits right open, and he starts to bleed badly. I look at the wound; it is massive, and I realise it…
Snow
It snowed really heavily last night and was still snowing this morning when we awoke. The girls stayed off school, Tom and Josh stayed home from work, and we all played out in the snow. My neighbour Sam came around in the afternoon; we all built snowmen in the garden, but then Tom started making…
Breathless
Annie has slept through the night twice since she was born; most nights she’s up at least four times between 11am – 6am. I have always been the one to deal with her; Tom never has, nor has he offered to. She’s now started getting up at 6 am every day, so as well as…
Wipe
Dreaming I am sitting in a chair with a door ahead of me. Tom is slightly in front, on the right, sitting on a toilet. Once he’s finished, he wipes his shit on my face. Responding The dream’s meaning seems so obvious. I’m being passive in this situation with Tom, and because of my passivity and lack of action, Tom is literally able to put all of his ‘shit’ onto me. Shit…
Change
Susie called me a bitch, and I have to agree with her. She was talking about how people change, and she said that I’ve changed so much over the last couple of years. She said I’ve gone from being really fun, outgoing, easygoing, funny, not caring what anyone thought in a carefree kind of way,…
Stoop
Rosie had a birthday party today. She’d invited seven friends for a swim and sleepover. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the pool, Tom announced he wouldn’t be staying to help. Instead, he went off to meet my dad for lunch, leaving me to supervise seven children aged eight to ten – some of whom can’t…
Always
My Dad rang this morning to tell me that my aunt has died unexpectedly. I got off the phone and, through tears, told Tom what had happened, but I had interrupted him while he was listening to records. He started shouting at me for annoying him, and said it’s always my fault that he’s annoyed….
Yesterday
Yesterday was one of those days that I’d just like to be able to forget ever happened, yet I know it’s going to be one of those days that stays etched in my memory forever.