Let Go

Replacement

At counselling today, we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom had thrown a huge spanner in the works. He’d given me a lift as my car is still broken, and suddenly he asked my opinion on the time we had sex a couple of months ago. I…

Wings

Amelia talked to me about how hard it is to see Fin, as they don’t get much time together because someone’s always around. After listening to her, I decided to take on board something Phil had said to me yesterday. He’d said that I have to allow the kids to step away from me a…

Single

I started the relationship anxiety course today. Only four minutes into the video, something struck me that hadn’t before. To be with Phil, I needed to let go of being single, and I never did that. In fact, I clung desperately to my single life, convincing myself that it was what I wanted, that it…

Reminiscing

I couldn’t settle last night. I was restless because Phil had texted me in the afternoon and was being sexually suggestive. The messages stopped abruptly at 6 pm, mid-conversation, which means he chose to spend the night with Antonia. Strangely, I don’t feel jealous at all; I just feel very uneasy with it all. All…

Distance

I woke feeling utterly drained. Phil had sent me a message just before I went to sleep, asking what I wanted. I want to be whole. I want to heal myself; I don’t want him to fix me anymore. I need to do this for myself. I want him to live the life he wants,…

Unveiled

Today was so hard. I spent the whole day questioning if I am only interested in Phil now because he’s moved on, or was it just the kick I needed to make me see what he means to me? The more the day went on, the more my head imploded until, in the end, I…

Headfuck

Amelia saw Phil holding hands with a woman. I’ve barely thought about Phil since we split up, apart from when I slept with Tom and I realised that he isn’t a patch on Phil in any way. Why then, now that he’s definitely moved on, do I start to care? At first I felt pleased…

Mummied

Two weeks ago, Amelia met a boy. They’ve been texting each other since, and last weekend they met for lunch and went to the cinema. Today Fin met Amelia after work, and they came back here. Fin is lovely. He’s polite, hard-working and confident. The only problem is that Fin has opened my eyes to…

Illogical

I suddenly had the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have sex with Tom today. It didn’t make any sense to my logical mind, but I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling. After trying to make sense of it for a couple of hours, I decided to listen to it instead. I sent Tom…

Unconventional

I went to Karen’s this morning for a quick catch-up. During our chat, she said I am really unconventional and that I probably always have been, and that she thinks I will become more so the older I get. She says she really sees me changing lately, that I no longer seem to care about…

Healing

When Tom came over to see the kids tonight, we got talking, just the two of us. We were talking about nothing much, but it somehow led to a discussion about saying sorry for things you’ve done and how it’s a sign of emotional maturity. I went on to say that sometimes we need to…

Receive

It turns out that letting go – when you make up your mind to do it and then just get on with it – is easier than first anticipated. Today I got rid of a load of stuff. I had people knocking at the door throughout the day to pick stuff up, and it actually…

Resistance

I’m having a big lesson in letting go today. For the last three years, I have held on to bags and bags of stuff that we no longer use or want to put on eBay and get some money for, supposedly, but the trouble with that is I hate eBay. I hate the time it…

Directions

Susie and I had lunch together, and I had a surreal moment of realisation. Firstly, Susie and I have lost the connection we had. Whereas we used to spend hours together most days, and then still ring each other up later to talk more, today we sat for ninety minutes and soon ran out of…

Pieces

I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…

Joke

Tomorrow, Annie goes away for a week with Tom. It will be the first time she’s been away from me for more than a night at a time. I really didn’t want to agree, but I didn’t think it fair to deprive Tom and Annie of time together, and his family time with their grandchild….

Confirmation

Tom was rude to me again today. I thought I’d see if he wanted to pick Annie up from school with me. He got angry over the silliest thing, bared his teeth at me like a dog, snatched a piece of paper out of my hand, and practically spat his words out at me. But…

Time

It’s New Year’s Eve. Tom was supposed to be staying the night to see the New Year in with me and the children, but instead he’s at his house, and I’m at mine, and it’s because I chose it. I decided that, and I made it happen. I remember someone saying to me once, “Who…

Awkward

Dreaming I am with Tom. He takes my hand in his; his hand is so warm and comfortable, and I’ve missed it. I feel complete love for him, and he for me. I never want to let go. We kiss – long, lingering kisses. I notice Amelia watching us through the crack in the door;…

Aspects

Dreaming I am sitting in the driver’s seat of a car with a man that I am seeing. We kiss and cuddle, and I really love him. Out of the window, we see some police and know that we have to hide. We’re walking down a street with his friend, who used to be my…

Josh

Dreaming I am in a large department store with Josh. I see Fern and ask her if she is pregnant; she is, and she shows me her tummy. I show her mine because I’m pregnant too. I hear Bridget call me; she’s pregnant too. I ask Fern how long she has left; she says two weeks, but…

Tag: Let Go