I woke feeling utterly drained. Phil had sent me a message just before I went to sleep, asking what I wanted.

I want to be whole. I want to heal myself; I don’t want him to fix me anymore. I need to do this for myself. I want him to live the life he wants, doing whatever brings him peace, even if that is finding solace with Antonia. I want him to think about his needs.

I want to love him enough to let him go; to find happiness wherever he needs to. I don’t want him to put his life on hold for me, waiting for me to get my shit together. He’s worth so much more than that.

I want to keep talking to him, to be friends, but I know I’m being grossly unfair, so I won’t contact him anymore. I will answer him if he contacts me, but I won’t instigate it.

I did some more research into why I do this to him constantly. Why I have spent two years being madly in love with him one minute and then suddenly feeling absolutely nothing at all. Nothing.

I found something that I read a few months ago about relationship anxiety, and then I found something on the pursuer/distancer dynamic. This isn’t something I’ve heard of before, but I read with great interest because it really resonated with me and with how I feel Phil reacts…

The pursuer–distancer dynamic describes a relationship pattern where one partner seeks closeness, reassurance and connection, while the other seeks space, independence and distance. These behaviours are often rooted in childhood experiences: pursuers may have experienced rejection, abandonment or a lack of emotional validation, while distancers may have experienced excessive control, emotional demands or being made responsible for a parent’s needs. In some relationships, partners can switch between these roles, creating a cycle of pursuit, withdrawal, anxiety and conflict.

Breaking the cycle requires balancing intimacy and independence. Pursuers can develop their own interests, friendships and sense of self rather than relying entirely on their partner for connection, while distancers can communicate their need for space clearly and deliberately make time for emotional connection. When both partners recognise and respect their own needs for closeness and autonomy, the relationship can become less driven by fear and more capable of genuine intimacy, independence and fulfilment.

I feel that I am the distancer, Phil the pursuer. However, I can see that with Tom it was the opposite way around, which really tells me I should understand exactly what Phil is feeling.