I had a look at a forum I used to use a few years ago, and a strange feeling washed over me reading everyone’s threads.

Firstly, it felt comfortable – I missed the chats I used to participate in. Secondly, reading through threads of people I used to know fairly well, I realised how much I’ve imprisoned myself in my home and in my life over the last few years.

Everyone was talking about life, what they’re doing, buying, and who they’re seeing – conversations I used to be able to join in with. Nowadays I rarely leave the house other than to go food shopping or do the school run. I don’t have a husband like almost all of the women on there, and it made me realise how much I feel that my life is not right compared to everyone else. I have four children, no husband, no job, no money, and very few friends. Basically, my life is lacking in all areas that it shouldn’t be, and it has to be down to my actions.

I realised how alienated I feel and that maybe I isolate myself from everyone because I don’t feel as though I fit in. All but one of the mums at the school are married. The single one is young and has a boyfriend now.

What do I have? A man I’m very uncertain about.

I don’t want to be single anymore, but I don’t want Phil to be my only option. I want to fall deeply and madly in love. I want to love because it’s irrational, not because some parts of it make sense on paper. I want the ‘normal’ life. I don’t want this lonely, isolated existence anymore. I don’t want this life that’s going nowhere. I want positive change. A man, marriage, a mortgage, money. A career, a new home, happy children, and I want to feel as though I live in this world too. That I matter, that I can contribute.