Abuse

Illogical

I suddenly had the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have sex with Tom today. It didn’t make any sense to my logical mind, but I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling. After trying to make sense of it for a couple of hours, I decided to listen to it instead. I sent Tom…

Annie and I decided to take Jasper for a walk; we asked Tom if he wanted to join us. I really wanted him to say yes and was so happy when he did. I picked him up, and we made our way to the woods, but Tom felt cold and a little distant. He criticised…

Surrender

I went round to Tom’s today. We spent the day talking more than we have in a long time – the more we talked, the more I could feel all the old feelings come flooding back. He spoke about Josh and how much he cares for him but how angry he is with me for…

Repercussions

I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it, but because of Tom. The more time I spend in his company, the more exhausted I feel. He’s was here most of Christmas Eve including sleeping over that night so he could see Annie open her presents. He was here…

Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…

Around

When Tom picked Annie up to go to his tonight, he managed, yet again, to upset her and unsettle her enough for her not to want to go. Every week is a battle to get her to go, and quite frankly, I don’t really know why I make her. Well, that’s not strictly true; I…

Maybe

I did some research today and found some really interesting information that fits me to a T. It’s making me think that I have relationship anxiety. There’s no wonder, with my parents’ example of a relationship, and their emotional neglect throughout my childhood; Danny cheating and then abandoning me with a baby; Greg’s selfishness and…

Fraction

I met my friend Patsy today. She was talking about her exes, and then she asked about Tom and why we split up. I told her briefly about how difficult things got. She said he seemed like a really nice, kind man. I said he was, that he had a heart of gold, but that…

Forgot

I woke up still feeling really angry about having to take Jasper away with us, but I spoke to Karen and Susie, who both said I shouldn’t if I didn’t want to. Regardless of whether people were expecting him or not, they both said that it wasn’t fair for me to have to do something…

Decision

Last week, Phil said he’d booked for us to go away this weekend to meet his Dad’s side of the family. He told me he’d booked a dog-friendly hotel so we could take Jasper, who is only five months old. I told him I was going to ask my sister, Susie, to have Jasper. He…

Losing

Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…

Tired

I wish Tom would take the knife that he’s been twisting, year after year after year, and plunge it deep into my heart, and rip it out for good, quickly and relatively painlessly rather than this ongoing torturous nightmare I’ve endured for so long. I am tired. I am tired of fighting him. Tired of…

Away

I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now, but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. I’ve been having mild panic attacks every time I go out. I’ve found myself standing in supermarkets, suddenly shaking and breathless, with an overwhelming feeling of panic and the need to get out of there…

Relief

Annie came home last night. I can’t begin to describe the relief I felt when she walked through the door. It’s been a stressful week where I’ve had to face a lot of fears and really learn to put my trust in Tom, despite his previous threats. Now, the fact that he didn’t carry out…

Joke

Tomorrow, Annie goes away for a week with Tom. It will be the first time she’s been away from me for more than a night at a time. I really didn’t want to agree, but I didn’t think it fair to deprive Tom and Annie of time together, and his family time with their grandchild….

Confirmation

Tom was rude to me again today. I thought I’d see if he wanted to pick Annie up from school with me. He got angry over the silliest thing, bared his teeth at me like a dog, snatched a piece of paper out of my hand, and practically spat his words out at me. But…

Versus

During my last counselling session, Jane wanted me to explore whether Tom is kind or unkind to me. I decided to look at our most recent interactions. Kind Unkind

Liar

At my counselling session, Jane gave me a set of Russian Dolls, asked me to take them home and work with them. She wanted me to look at each layer and really feel what each layer represents in Tom. I did this exercise tonight. It was very painful, and I really didn’t want to do…

Creeping

What do you do and where do you go when you feel like you’ve reached rock bottom? It’s been creeping up on me gradually since the beginning of the year, and if I’m not there yet, I’m really not far away from it. I don’t want to live with the anger and pain that I…

Eat

For the second time, I am reading Eat Pray Love. The first time I read the book, it touched me. It made me cry, and it aroused long-forgotten feelings in me. This time it’s resonating within me deeply. There are so many things that are comparable to my life throughout the book, even though our physical journeys are…

Dull

I took the girls to a theme park today. Tom joined us. I didn’t want him to, and the older children didn’t want him to come either. They said he makes everything about him and what he wants rather than allowing them to do what they want – which is true. I always feel as…

Ugly

My weekend away was a mixed bag of laughter and insecurity. It was great to spend time with friends – we laughed non-stop the whole weekend, we partied until the sun came up, we shopped, and we chatted, but one of the women, who I only really knew online, reminded me so much of Tom….

Consumed

I don’t quite know what’s wrong, but whatever it is, it seems to be getting worse. It’s been building for months. I feel totally overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I’m feeling panicky, breathless and lightheaded. Yesterday, I took Annie out on her bike. I was so aware of it being just me and…

Attachments

It’s so strange how things creep up and take me by surprise when I least expect them. Annie is staying over at Tom’s tonight for the first time. It’s also the first time she’s ever slept away from me; we’ve shared our lives almost 100% for the last four years, and shared our bed for…

Slipping

Tom and I have been trying to make another go of it, but I don’t think it will work. I can’t help noticing that the more time we spend together, the more comfortable he becomes and the more it feels as though he’s slipping back to his old ways. I know I could be wrong;…

Heart

I’ve tried. I’ve really tried, but I cannot take Tom back into my heart. There’s barely enough room for me there at the moment; there’s definitely not enough room for him. I want the love we shared in the very beginning – I’d take that back in an instant – but he hasn’t got it…

Play

Tom asked to have Annie at his house for a few hours this afternoon. I didn’t want her to go, but he insisted. I suggested he come to mine, but he said he wanted her there. I took her, and I tried to stay, but he wanted me to go. Annie said she wanted to…

Gloomy

It’s dark, raining, windy and gloomy. The weather is matching my current mood perfectly. I drove to the beach, sat in the car and watched the world go by. I thought about Maxine, and I thought about Tom and Annie. I can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to be…

Adventure

Annie went to Tom’s house for a few hours today. When I picked her up and asked if she’d had a nice day, she said that she’d been on an adventure.

Shatter

My heart feels as though it’s about to shatter with the pain of losing Maxine. I turned to Tom during my darkest hour, but he isn’t even attempting to understand my grief or what I’m going through. It’s all about him and his needs; all he cares about is himself. He didn’t even offer me…

Involved

It was our first Christmas in our new home yesterday. Tom came to stay on Christmas Eve to spend Christmas with the children. He’s still here. At least when he’s here, I know he’s safe. I never spoke to him about us getting back together, but I have made sure he’s been much more involved…

Hearing

For the last year of living with Tom, Rosie would come home from school, go straight to her bedroom and stay there until the next morning, apart from coming down for meals and when Tom was at the pub. She’d stopped being affectionate with me, wore black all the time and just looked so sad…

Powerless

Tom came to my home today. He ate lunch at my house, sat on my sofa, and watched my TV. He wanted to know how much money Josh was paying me. He wasn’t happy with the amount. He told me to tell Josh he has to pay more. I told him it was none of…

Exposed

It’s been twenty-five days since I left Tom and tried to get on with my life, clawing my way back up from the pit that I’ve found myself in over the last few years. On the whole, the last twenty-five days have been blissful. No arguing, stress, mess, or criticism. No abuse. Nothing but me…

Overnight

I had a few friends over tonight to celebrate my new beginning with me. It’s the first time that I’ve had friends at my home in four years because I never felt as though I could with Tom. He always made it really clear that the house was his, and permission had to be sought…

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…

Cruel

His barbed words woke me constantly throughout the night to remind me of the past that just yesterday was my present. The past that I now know isn’t going to go away just because I’ve fled its shackles. The stars in the night sky sealed my heart as much as they sealed my fate. Soaking…

Six

In six days, I get the keys to our new home. I wish I could say I’m excited, but I don’t really feel anything. This house – or at least the things that are mine – is still nowhere near packed. I’ve done most of the bedroom, half of the older girls’ stuff, the utility…

Fifteen

In fifteen days, I will leave this house and my life with Tom forever. The children and I are going to our new home, where we have choices in how it’s decorated and what we watch on TV, how I spend money and what food we eat. I also get to give Annie a bedroom…

Same

We’re moving out in sixteen days. I’ve packed four boxes so far. I have a pile of letters that need responding to. I need to sort out utilities for the new house, yet I don’t feel like doing any of it. I think the stress of the last few years, coupled with the stress of…

Slow

I don’t feel good today. Telling the children has made it all the more real. It seems to be all part of the slow process of leaving. I’m having concerns about how Tom will cope once we’re gone. He’ll be rattling around in a big house on his own; he currently has no work, no…

Worth

I am viewing a house this week that may be ideal for us. I have a few reservations about the area – it’s slightly further away than I wanted to go, which makes it more difficult for the children to easily see their friends – but I know we can work around that. The house…

Denial

Tom seems to be in complete denial that our relationship is coming to an end, which doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me, given that he’s shown me almost nothing but hatred for so long. Yesterday, he invited Abi and her family around for a barbecue. He got the paddling pool out for…

Over

I’ve told Tom that it’s over and that I will be moving out as soon as I can. He keeps trying to hug me, but I brush him off. We haven’t had any physical contact for six months and no longer sleep in the same bed, so why now? I know now that he will…

Poignant

I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the old me in the hope that it will give me something to hold on to as my life changes so much. I joined a choir last year, and have been having some singing lessons. Singing…

Whisper

Tom made dinner for everyone tonight, which would be great if only he hadn’t cooked something that only he liked. We all tried to eat it, but Rosie just couldn’t. When I said I’d make her something else, Tom shouted at me to sit down and said she could either eat every single bit of…

Oppression

Dreaming I am in the dining area of the kitchen of the house at Church Lane. Dad is sitting at the dining table, and Mum is in the kitchen area. The room is unbearably hot, with steam swarming around the room making it difficult to see clearly. I can see enough to see that the house hasn’t changed at all over the last twenty years. Unable to stand the heat any longer, I open the window, releasing a torrent of steam. I watch relief wash over Mum, and then…

Forward

We were supposed to be clearing the garden today, ready for new turf. It’s a big garden with lots of crap dumped in it, so it was a whole day’s work. I went outside with Annie and started to tidy while Tom sat doing nothing except scrolling through Facebook. Eventually, after I’d dug up and…

Question

The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve deeper than I’ve ever gone before into all areas. Today it was money, namely Tom’s money. I don’t feel that I’m entitled to it, that it’s wrong for me to ask. And then there’s my…

Value

I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist, but I do know that I am feeling stronger each week, despite my near disaster three days ago. In turn, Tom seems weaker. His moods are awful lately; he senses the change within me, and it must threaten him. After all, he…

Madness

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family, and yet I’ve never felt as empty as I do right now. Tom went upstairs to bed at 8.30 pm to watch TV, as he wanted to relax and cuddle up with Annie. He told me that he goes up…

Dismiss

My psychotherapist says that I dismiss myself. Maybe I do, but when did it start? I know that Tom dismisses me often. I’ve just told him how lonely and isolated it is being a mum; he gave me ‘the look’ and dismissed it completely. He does this a lot. He’s done this for so long…

Strength

My sisters are all very different, yet all have a similar streak. Control. They all control the people in their lives or their environment. Do I control? My children? No. I’m very easy-going with them. Men. No. They have controlled me. Housework. No. It always feels out of my control. I do control myself, and…

Inappropriate

I feel very tired today; I slept very badly last night. I had a conversation with Tom; I forgot what it was about now, but it was heated. I remembered the mindfulness that my psychotherapist spoke about; I reacted differently. My mum came around unexpectedly. I had feelings that I can’t put into words. Mum…

Investment

I’ve started seeing a psychotherapist. I can’t afford to, but I can’t afford not to. I’m seeing it as an investment in mine and my children’s future. I feel as though I’m going mad. Am I ill? Have I gone insane? Is this all my fault? I need to know. I need someone to give…

Suspicious

I had to go to the doctor’s tonight for a checkup. I’ve been having chest pains all day, and over the course of the afternoon, they got worse. I phoned the doctor, and he said to come straight down. I got hooked up to an ECG machine and checked over thoroughly. The ECG came back…

Consequence

Dreaming Tom and I are arguing; I feel really angry and frustrated with him. I get two knives out of the kitchen drawer and go into the dining room with them, but I no longer feel angry. I go into the kitchen to find Tom standing with his back to me by one of the sides. I go behind him and jokingly run the big knife along the top of his shoulder muscle. It splits right open, and he starts to bleed badly. I look at the wound; it is massive, and I realise it…

Snow

It snowed really heavily last night and was still snowing this morning when we awoke. The girls stayed off school, Tom and Josh stayed home from work, and we all played out in the snow. My neighbour Sam came around in the afternoon; we all built snowmen in the garden, but then Tom started making…

Potential

New beginnings come in all shapes and sizes. Today not only heralds the start of a new year but also the potential for a whole new state of existence. I have done all that I can to hold Tom and I together. I’ve tried my hardest to fix an impossible situation, and I’m at a…

Fear

I really can’t take any more of this and will be doing everything in my power to get out in the next few months. I really hope and pray that I have the strength to do so. I’ve put up with his shit for long enough. I am so sick of the mental cruelty. Yet…

Still

Tom and I rarely have sex anymore, but last night we did for the first time in a very, very long time. It wasn’t what I wanted it to be at all, though. It didn’t connect us; in fact, when we’d finished, he said just about the cruellest thing anyone has ever said to me….

Reaquainting

There are many things that people might think are the worst things about the kind of relationship I’m in. Maybe they think it’s the shouting and screaming, or they may believe it’s the actual words that get said. They may see it as the manipulation that’s the hardest thing to bear, or the constant worry…

Float

Tom came back home from visiting his family today.

Clarity

How?

Looking back, I can see that I’ve always put everyone else’s needs before my own. I always thought that was what made me a good mum, partner, sister, daughter and friend, but I’m starting to feel like a complete fool.

Breathless

Annie has slept through the night twice since she was born; most nights she’s up at least four times between 11am – 6am. I have always been the one to deal with her; Tom never has, nor has he offered to. She’s now started getting up at 6 am every day, so as well as…

Searching

As I suspected, it didn’t last. I really tried to think positively today. To remind myself that I’ve been a single parent before and that I can do it again. That I will find a way to leave this soul-destroying relationship. I still don’t know how, but I know I have to keep searching until…

Revert

Tom has really thrown me yet again. He rarely joins in with anything the children and I do. In fact, I can’t remember the last time he did something with us, but today when I told him the girls had been invited to a Halloween party at Susie’s, he said he wanted to come. Not…

Lower

Today has been really challenging. I’m tired and stressed, and I can’t see any way out. I have been looking for houses to rent, but there’s nothing in my price range and nothing in the areas I want to live. I had a chat with a solicitor, but it doesn’t sound hopeful. Tom refused to…

Heavier

Why won’t Tom ever have sex with me? Am I that ugly? Is my body really that disgusting to look at? Is it because I’ve had four children and my stomach isn’t flat, or because my breasts have been full of milk for the last two years? I know I’m a bit heavier than when…

Charm

Tom and I disagreed a few days ago; it was over in minutes, and as far as I was concerned, that was that, but that night he got up from the sofa and went up to bed without saying a word to me, something that hasn’t happened for months. I was really upset about that,…

Unimportant

Tom has put the house he lived in before we moved in here together up for sale. He walked in, told me he’d had an offer, I asked how much and he said, ‘Why? What does it matter?’ I said surely as a couple that lives as husband and wife, we should talk about how…

Stop

After twenty-nine months, I’m going to stop breastfeeding Annie. I kept it going for so long partly because I didn’t want to rush her, but also because I was scared to stop in case he carried out his threat to take her away from me. Annie feeds loads during the day and even more at…

Endless

I left my marriage to Greg for many reasons, but one of them was that he was so money-oriented. When we divorced six years ago, I agreed that he would pay me £50 per week in child support for Amelia and Rosie, even though I knew this was £10 less than the CSA would have…

Boring

It was a really lovely day today, so I suggested getting my mum to watch the kids and just us going for a picnic, but Tom said, “Why the fuck would we do that? It would be boring with just you; we’d have nothing to talk about. You’re boring, you have no passion for anything….

Love

I was sitting out in the garden, sanding some furniture earlier when I looked up and caught Tom watching me. When I turned off the sander, he said, “I love you.” I almost cried. This is the first time in so long – years – that he has told me that he loves me. I…

Because

Tom told me today that he’s in debt and it’s all because of me. He said I pushed him into buying a house and moving in together, even though it was actually all his idea. He said that I use him and all I’m interested in is his money and sex, which I find really…

Me

The older children were all at their dad’s today, so it was just Tom, Annie and I at home. I felt as though I could do with some time to myself, so I asked him if he could take Annie out for a couple of hours. I thought he would jump at the chance as…

Snap

It’s been such a long time since Tom and I had a good day together; all we’ve done for months is argue. My resentment towards him builds more and more each day, but the other day he really surprised and confused me. Out of nowhere, he bought me a new camera, a really good one….

Waste

We went out for lunch today. If we ever go out, we almost always go to the same restaurant, and I pretty much always order the same food because I love it so much. This week, I’ve decided to go on a diet and try to deal with the extra pounds I’ve put on, so…

Shadow

An old school friend emailed me tonight for a catch-up. During the messages that went back and forth, she reminded me of the time I sneaked into the store cupboard with my cookery teacher’s driving shoes, smashed eggs into them and then put them into the freezer. I then sat at the front of class…

Missing

Amelia had an end-of-school leaving party tonight. Once she was all dressed and ready to leave, I took some photos of her. I then took a photo of Tom with her, and he took one of me with Amelia. I looked back at the photos later, and came across the one he took of me….

Knowledge

One day last week, Tom woke up in a bit of a mood. The best way for me to deal with his moods is to leave him alone until he snaps out of it. He was working from home, so he spent the next couple of hours on his laptop. I got on and tidied…

Garden

Tom has been away for four days visiting his family. While he was gone, I decided to give the garden a makeover to create somewhere for the children to actually be able to use. All of my children, Susie and her two children, and my two oldest nephews came to help. By the end of…

2048

I actually had a good night’s sleep last night. Annie barely woke, and it made all the difference to how I feel today. I’ve been in a great mood all day, and Tom has noticed. He’s been warm and affectionate. When I took some photographs of Annie, Tom said we should have a photo together….

Courage

I spent all week unsure whether to go back to the domestic abuse group or not. I didn’t want to go and spend the whole time in tears again, partly because I’m not good with being emotional in front of people and partly because I feel it stops the group doing what they’ve come for;…

Fraud

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse, and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for a long time if Tom might be abusive, but I also wonder if I have mental health issues that make me paranoid and think that he’s abusive. I was hoping that by going along to…

Course

Even though Tom complains every single time I take photographs of Annie, saying I will blind her or damage her eyes with the flash, and even though he constantly complains that I’m always photographing something, he told me a few days ago that he’s paid for me to go to college one morning a week…

Due

Izzy and Susie popped around today. When they left, they did something that really upset me. I was standing outside on the doorstep saying goodbye to them when Susie said in a loud voice, “Look at the state of your eyebrows. When did you last have them plucked? They look a right mess.” I was…

Game

Although Tom and I have decided to give this one last try, he has now started making what he calls jokes about me and the older children all moving out. It’s relentless. Every few days, there’s another ‘joke’ about us going back to our old house, or about my other children going to live with…

Rejection

Tom used to stay downstairs watching TV until midnight, but these days, if he’s not at the pub, he goes up to bed by nine o’clock to watch it there. I can’t bring myself to get into bed that early – Josh doesn’t go to sleep until at least 10 pm, and if I went…

Cold

I’m so angry with myself. Annie had me up so much on Sunday night, and last night even more so. I felt as if I had about two hours of sleep all night, so today I’ve been exhausted. At half past eight tonight, I told Tom I was going up to bed. I got my…