I’m so angry with myself. Annie had me up so much on Sunday night, and last night even more so. I felt as if I had about two hours of sleep all night, so today I’ve been exhausted. At half past eight tonight, I told Tom I was going up to bed. I got my…
Category: Abuse
Universe
I’ve been interested in personal growth for the last six years, and I’ve always believed in something spiritual and the power of working with the Universe, but the last few years with Tom have taken their toll. I’m starting to wonder if it’s all a load of rubbish, because the fact is, if there was…
Shower
I’m moving out sometime in the new year, but I’m not rushing it as I want to ensure I stay in this area for the girls’ school. We both agree it’s inevitable, so why prolong it? We’ve agreed that for now we’re still a couple, but we’ll be living separately; whether we’ll continue as a…
Committed
I still love Tom more than ever, and I still want a relationship with him, but I don’t really want to live with him anymore. He’s noisy; I like quiet. We don’t have the same taste in decor, music, TV programs or anything really. While I know it sounds like we have nothing much to…
Thunder
Christmas Day didn’t quite go the way I hoped, unfortunately. The children woke and opened their presents while Tom sat with a face like thunder, watching them. He spent the rest of the day complaining about what I’d bought for the children, saying they should have only had one small present each, and that the…
Eve
One of my favourite days of the year is Christmas Eve. For the past few years, my entire family has got together for a Christmas dinner at a restaurant. This year was a little quieter and less hectic than usual as not everyone could make it, but it was still lovely. The only downside to…
Your
A few weeks ago, I mentioned to Tom about buying the presents for Christmas; his reply – ‘That’s your department‘ The tree needs putting up, the house decorating – ‘That’s your department‘ Today I asked when we’re doing the food shop – again, ‘Your department.’ I ask what he’d like buying in the way of…
You
We saw Abi today. Afterwards, Tom said, “I think Abi is fantastic; she’s clever, highly intelligent, shrewd and not a bit like you. I really admire her, and I wish you were more like her.” I feel like a worthless piece of shit.
Wipe
Dreaming I am sitting in a chair with a door ahead of me. Tom is slightly in front, on the right, sitting on a toilet. Once he’s finished, he wipes his shit on my face. Responding The dream’s meaning seems so obvious. I’m being passive in this situation with Tom, and because of my passivity and lack of action, Tom is literally able to put all of his ‘shit’ onto me. Shit…
Migraine
Rosie has been getting pains in her tummy every 6-8 weeks for about the last year. Last time it happened, I took her to the doctor, who did tests and diagnosed her as having abdominal migraines brought on by stress. Rosie’s symptoms are that she starts with pains in her tummy that are sometimes constant,…
Holiday
We’ve just returned from a visit to Tom’s family, and I hated every minute of it.
Reasons
I’ve been making more of an effort to make friends with people recently. I’ve become really reclusive over the last year or so, staying home most of the time or just spending time with the children or Tom. I thought it would be good for me to interact with others a little more. I’ve made…
Overwhelming
Something’s going on. I feel different. I’m starting to see things differently and starting to see the truth of what’s really going on, but taking photographs is changing things too. After my self-portrait yesterday, I really felt like doing another one today. It’s very unlike me because I hate having my photograph taken, and I…
Blue
I’ve been interested in photography since I was ten years old. Over the last year, rather than just snapping away with the camera, I’ve been trying to do more with it. When things with Tom are really bad, it’s something to escape to. I can grab the children, go to the park with my camera…
Doubt
Despite what the counsellor said about me being negative, I’m starting to have doubts. I think she was wrong. Maybe I am negative, but Tom isn’t innocent in all of this; in fact, I’m starting to wonder if I might be in a verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. I’m also wondering if my…
Silenced
Amelia had some friends over to sleep tonight for her birthday. The girls’ bedroom isn’t big enough to sleep everyone, so I decided they could sleep downstairs in the living room. Tom has been in a mood all day; tonight he exploded. He said I had no right to arrange a sleepover in his house…
Want
I have never . . . but I want to:
Inevitable
I had a counselling session today and have come to realise that the way I am with Tom is becoming more and more like the way my parents were with each other, and I don’t like it one bit. I definitely need to recognise it when it happens and change it. I was wondering if…
Negative
I’ve been going to counselling for just over a month. I thought it was starting to help in some way, but during my session today, the counsellor told me that I was a really negative person and that I see the negatives in everything. She said I must be difficult to live with, and it…
Change
Susie called me a bitch, and I have to agree with her. She was talking about how people change, and she said that I’ve changed so much over the last couple of years. She said I’ve gone from being really fun, outgoing, easygoing, funny, not caring what anyone thought in a carefree kind of way,…
Overheard
Yesterday, I took the girls out for the afternoon on their bikes. Amelia can ride confidently, but Rosie is still unsure and needs lots of encouragement. Tom refused to come with us or look after Annie as he was tired and wanted a nap before going to the pub in the evening. Today, we met…
Doctor
I don’t feel well. I’m not physically ill, but I think I might be mentally ill. I sit here constantly questioning if Tom is right and if there is something wrong with me; he’s always telling me that there is, maybe he’s right. Sometimes I think that it’s him, but most of the time, I…
News
Tom returned from yet another weekend away yesterday – his eighth in the past six months, on top of a seven-day skiing holiday, countless nights out, and his usual three evenings a week at the pub. This weekend’s trip was to a family wedding. Annie and I were invited, but not my other children. When…
Stoop
Rosie had a birthday party today. She’d invited seven friends for a swim and sleepover. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the pool, Tom announced he wouldn’t be staying to help. Instead, he went off to meet my dad for lunch, leaving me to supervise seven children aged eight to ten – some of whom can’t…
Norm
Tom and I had a disagreement over the most ridiculous thing today. Jam. He doesn’t think Annie should ever be allowed to eat it, as it contains sugar, whereas I don’t have a problem with it. As is the norm, it escalated into a much bigger argument. I calmly asked if we could just talk…
Cinema
Tom actually agreed to go out with me tonight, just me and him. Whenever I’ve asked him before, he’s refused to go because he doesn’t want to leave Annie with babysitters or because he thinks he’d be bored with just my company. I was so excited when he agreed, and I allowed myself to imagine…
Except
I went to see my old friend Sarah today. We have been friends for twenty years, and while we don’t see each other very often anymore because of work and family commitments, when we do, we’re always as close as we ever were, and manage to slip back into comfortable conversation and laughter. Except for…
Mother
Tom came home from his skiing holiday yesterday. I went to pick him up at the airport, but when I saw him, my heart sank. I suddenly realised what a lovely stress-free week the children and I had, and how it would all change. He appeared at the airport entrance sun-burned and saying he was…
Manage
It’s Tom’s sixth day of his skiing holiday with his family. A holiday that was too expensive to take me and the children on, but not too expensive for him. I’m exhausted managing everything on my own with all four children, although it has been nice not to have any arguing or name-calling. Being alone…
Trip
Just one month after his last excursion, Tom left for a ten-day skiing holiday this morning. Joining him are his brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephews; uncles, aunts, and cousins. His family. We, his partner, daughter, and step-children, weren’t invited. Again.
Always
My Dad rang this morning to tell me that my aunt has died unexpectedly. I got off the phone and, through tears, told Tom what had happened, but I had interrupted him while he was listening to records. He started shouting at me for annoying him, and said it’s always my fault that he’s annoyed….
Behind
Tom went to visit his family today; he’ll be gone for five days. Other than having my family around tomorrow, I don’t really have anything planned for my Tom-free time – other than lots of counting down the hours until he’s home. I miss him already, but I also wish he hadn’t left me and…
Snoring
Annie’s been really unsettled for the last few weeks, even more so than usual. I’ve been feeding her at least five times a night, every night, sometimes more. I’m managing on three to four hours of broken sleep, and I’m completely exhausted. Tom keeps complaining that we’re disturbing his sleep. Today, he even said that…
Different
It’s been another weekend of ups and downs. Yesterday, I woke feeling really strong and positive. I decided I wasn’t taking his crap any longer and never again would I ask him for money. When I needed to go and get some shopping, I just said, “Where’s the bank card? I’m going to get food.”…
Rollercoaster
Just as I was starting to really believe things were changing, I’m now worrying that things with Tom are slipping again. Tonight, I popped out for an hour to take Josh to his judo class. When I got back, I wanted to have a little bit of time to unwind, but then Annie woke up….
Back
Last night, Josh went fishing with a couple of friends. This morning, Tom made them sausage sandwiches and a flask of tea to warm them up, as the temperature overnight was about 2 degrees. I took the food to them and used the opportunity to really see how much effort Tom is making lately. Not…
Precious
The girls had an inset day at school, and Josh had no college, so as the weather was unseasonably warm and sunny, we drove to the beach. We spent a couple of hours making sandcastles, paddling, stone-throwing, playing at being sand angels, being buried in the sand, racing along the beach, and getting wet and…
Pointless
I boxed up my spiritual books today and put them in the loft. It seems pointless keeping them out nowadays. My books haven’t been touched since we moved in together, as Tom made me feel stupid for believing in such things. Maybe it’ll be something that I pick up again one day in the distant…
Session
Tom said he would do anything to make things better and agreed to go to couples counselling – not just because of what happened but because of everything – at least that was my hope.
Yesterday
Yesterday was one of those days that I’d just like to be able to forget ever happened, yet I know it’s going to be one of those days that stays etched in my memory forever.
Beg
I am such a fool. I thought Tom was changing; I was wrong – he hasn’t changed at all. I feel sad so much of the time. The health visitor thinks I may have postnatal depression. Tom said, “You’re not depressed; if anyone is depressed around here it’s me, you’re just putting it on.“ Annie…
Lulling
Despite Tom’s threat to take Annie, and despite all of my fears when I was pregnant, he’s proving to be a good Dad. He spends lots of time with Annie, and he’s always willing to give her cuddles and rock her off to sleep if I can’t settle her. Today, he really made life easier for…
Waiting
For the third time this week, Tom is at the pub twenty miles away. He left home just before 5pm. He planned on coming back sometime after midnight. Usually, he’ll come home on the last train, stumble through the door, pour himself a glass of wine, maybe a second, before staggering up to bed and…
Saturday
It’s Saturday night, which, for Tom and I, has always meant having a curry and a drink together, except I stopped drinking almost nine months ago when I fell pregnant. He didn’t stop. Tonight, when our curry arrived, he opened his beers and brought out a bottle of vodka that he’d bought earlier. He poured…
Weeks
As I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy, I’m feeling emotional, tired and stressed. I have too much time on my hands. I’m looking back over the last few months, and I’m seeing a picture that I don’t like. In the first weeks of pregnancy, when the tiredness was extreme, I mentioned how exhausted I…
Host
It’s just one month until our baby girl is due to arrive. The older children are so excited; they’ve been talking about what they’re going to do with her, who’s going to change her nappy, and how they’re going to play with her. Tom is equally as excited, but today, after he’d taken photographs of…
Supplies
“I’m heading to the solicitors to finalise the house and pick up the keys. Tonight, we’ll go and clean the house, ready to move in tomorrow. Meet me there at 7pm.” I was held up sorting my children out and getting cleaning supplies. “You’re late. Here’s a key. I’m going to leave you to it…
Viewings
“It’s about time we took this to the next stage after three years together. Why don’t you start looking at homes and find one for me to buy? Find a nice area, somewhere in between where we both currently live. Make sure it’s got everything we need.” I asked if he was going to look…