Parenting

Yes

I had an interesting conversation with Tom today. I told him how I felt yesterday when I took the kids out for lunch; how sad it made me feel. I elaborated and told him how I feel as though I have to stay single for at least the next eleven years until Annie is eighteen,…

Hurricane

I’m agitated and in the midst of a hurricane of panic. I’m back in touch with my old faithful friends: grief, loneliness and emptiness. I have so many thoughts swirling around in the depths of my mind, making their way out to become my reality. The children and I went out for lunch today. To…

Struck

At today’s counselling session, I really wanted to talk about Phil, relationships, lack of work and direction, but the counsellor wanted to continue what we’d started with Mum last time, so we chatted about that the whole time. I’m glad we did. She said she’s seen people before whose childhoods haven’t been as bad as…

Spacious

Dreaming Amelia, Rosie, Megan and I are in the kitchen at Church Lane when the door knocks. Amelia goes to answer it but comes back saying she’s not answering it as she doesn’t know who it is. I get up to answer it, and I run, as the people will have been waiting by now….

I can feel myself reverting to the thought processes I had as a child. The way I was 100% certain that I was adopted because I was treated so differently from my sisters, but this time it’s not for that reason. It’s because I cannot get my head around how I can be related to…

Reveal

I realised today how calm, centred, and balanced I’ve been since spending time with Phil on Sunday. I remembered that this is how I used to feel with him, at least when I wasn’t stressed. I feel at peace, I’m more open, and I’m feeling positive. I even feel as though I could find my…

Tormented

I went to Phil’s last night to talk things over. I had a long list of questions in my head that I needed answered, some that I knew would actually hurt me, but I felt I needed to know rather than not know and be tormented by them. I’ve become such a strong believer in…

Surrender

I went round to Tom’s today. We spent the day talking more than we have in a long time – the more we talked, the more I could feel all the old feelings come flooding back. He spoke about Josh and how much he cares for him but how angry he is with me for…

Live

Two days ago, not long after waking, I lay in bed daydreaming about something or other when, suddenly, as clear as day, the words ‘Less than a year to live’ popped into my head. Two days later, I find myself thinking about how we would live our lives differently if we always knew how many…

Balanced

2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…

Pieces

I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…

Pressure

I’ve not been feeling good lately. I’m exhausted all of the time. I feel drained of all energy, yet I really struggle to sleep at night. Last night Amelia asked me if I could phone the dentist for her today. My internal reaction to her request was really negative. I felt as though it was…

Softly

Today was the first day of the summer holidays; they started off so well. We didn’t wake till 9 am, so we felt nicely refreshed. The girls and I then had a lazy morning before we got dressed and decided to get some fresh air. I was feeling so relaxed and excited about the next…

Foundation

I spent some time reading diaries I’d written so long ago when Josh was born, and I realised what a good mum I was. Considering I was only seventeen when I had him, and given how difficult the circumstances were with my mum and dad, then later with Danny, and being a single parent, I did…

January

I don’t know if the teenage years have well and truly hit or if I am messing up in my parenting.

Alone

Last week, a friend posted on Facebook directly after I posted about having a takeaway. It really offended and upset me. I’ve tried to rise above it and ignore it, but today I figured that if it’s still bothering me after five days, I should say something. I remembered one of the Five Regrets of…

Enough

I’ve forgotten how strong I am. I’ve spent far too long thinking I’m weak, that I can’t do things, and I realised that’s just not me; it’s not who I am. I am, and always have been, a very strong character, and it’s time I not only remembered it, but celebrated it too. It’s my…

Coaching

After a year of deliberation and just not really knowing what I should do with my life or even what I want to do, I’m so glad that I’ve finally decided to train as a life coach. I want a career that enables me to: I’ve spent the last couple of weeks looking into courses….

Right

It’s been two months since we left our old life and moved into our new home. It was absolutely the right decision, and we’re all much happier. Tom has surprised me and gone back to who he used to be. He’s proving to be a good dad to Annie and to my other children, and…

Six

In six days, I get the keys to our new home. I wish I could say I’m excited, but I don’t really feel anything. This house – or at least the things that are mine – is still nowhere near packed. I’ve done most of the bedroom, half of the older girls’ stuff, the utility…

Fifteen

In fifteen days, I will leave this house and my life with Tom forever. The children and I are going to our new home, where we have choices in how it’s decorated and what we watch on TV, how I spend money and what food we eat. I also get to give Annie a bedroom…

Whisper

Tom made dinner for everyone tonight, which would be great if only he hadn’t cooked something that only he liked. We all tried to eat it, but Rosie just couldn’t. When I said I’d make her something else, Tom shouted at me to sit down and said she could either eat every single bit of…

Dismiss

My psychotherapist says that I dismiss myself. Maybe I do, but when did it start? I know that Tom dismisses me often. I’ve just told him how lonely and isolated it is being a mum; he gave me ‘the look’ and dismissed it completely. He does this a lot. He’s done this for so long…

Reaquainting

There are many things that people might think are the worst things about the kind of relationship I’m in. Maybe they think it’s the shouting and screaming, or they may believe it’s the actual words that get said. They may see it as the manipulation that’s the hardest thing to bear, or the constant worry…

Breathless

Annie has slept through the night twice since she was born; most nights she’s up at least four times between 11am – 6am. I have always been the one to deal with her; Tom never has, nor has he offered to. She’s now started getting up at 6 am every day, so as well as…

Unimportant

Tom has put the house he lived in before we moved in here together up for sale. He walked in, told me he’d had an offer, I asked how much and he said, ‘Why? What does it matter?’ I said surely as a couple that lives as husband and wife, we should talk about how…

Flap

The alarm went off at half-past six this morning. I got the older girls ready for school and fed and dressed Annie. I was exhausted as I’d been up with Annie five or six times in the night again. Tom stayed in bed sleeping until just after nine o’clock when I got back from the…

Farm

Tom took the day off work, so we took Annie along to the local farm. She has developed a fear of animals lately, so she spent most of the day clinging to Tom. Seeing him so protective of her made me love him all the more. He didn’t try to persuade her that the animals…

Tag: Parenting

Yes