I’ve not been feeling good lately. I’m exhausted all of the time. I feel drained of all energy, yet I really struggle to sleep at night.

Last night Amelia asked me if I could phone the dentist for her today. My internal reaction to her request was really negative. I felt as though it was yet another thing to add to my massive list of things I have to do and people I have to please. I went to bed, and just as I was dozing off, Amelia came in and woke me to ask me for a spare quilt for her cousin. There wasn’t one, so I had to get up, give her Annie’s quilt, get Annie out of her bed, carry her downstairs and put her in my bed.

This morning, I was fast asleep when Josh woke me up to ask if he could borrow some of my socks, and I realised that from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep – and even while I sleep – someone is always needing something of me. The demands on me feel extreme over the last few months, and I really don’t think I’m coping too well.

If it’s not the children needing something, then it’s in my mind that the guinea pigs need feeding or cleaning out, or that Jasper needs a walk, or feeding or playing with. Getting a dog means I’ve lost my only responsibility-free time twice a month.

I feel as though I’m literally needed for something every second of the day, and I’m drained in every way. When I get in bed, no matter how tired I am, I can’t sleep because the more I relax, the more my brain kicks in with things I’ve forgotten to do, or worse still, it’s started kicking in with really angry thoughts about Danny and Greg because of the complete lack of support I get from them. I feel so angry that they’re having a relatively easy life while I single-handedly raise the children we brought into the world together. Anytime I have said anything to them, it’s been met with opposition and an attack. Never have I been acknowledged for the hard work I do.

There’s no wonder I end things with Phil every two minutes. I feel as though if one more person in this world asks one more thing of me, I’m going to break. When he asks me for my time, it feels as though he’s asking me for my whole world, and my fight-or-flight response kicks in. I feel as though if I don’t defend my position – my need for no more demands – I will crumble.

I can’t even begin to describe how stressed I am at the moment, which is why I can’t have a relationship. I can’t have anyone else in my life with expectations of my time and how to use it. It’s why I need to have this free rein, so to speak, to be able to call Phil up to see if he’s free, as and when it suits me. Despite what I said last weekend, I’m not calling him up for sex. I’m calling him because I want to see him and because I feel able to do so.

I know none of this is fair on him, but I know he understands; however, that doesn’t make it right.

I don’t really know how to improve this situation. I think it’s going to be a very long-term thing. The trouble with that is that if I continue to feel this drained and stressed, I’m going to want to spend all my child-free time resting. Alone! Which leaves no time for Phil, but I’m trying not to even think of that because it instantly makes me feel stressed and pressured.