I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and finding pleasure in pottering around the house, finding little things to do. I can’t deny it hasn’t brought me a lot of pleasure over the years, but today I feel something different, and it feels…
Tag: Abi
2014
It’s the first day of 2014 and I feel really positive, content and happy. The children and I spent the morning preparing for our ‘Open House.’ I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would invite friends and family to come round any time of the day, spend time together, share food and start…
Balanced
2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…
Monopolised
Tom joined us for a barbecue today. Later, my dad popped round for a visit. Dad didn’t ask where the kids were – in their rooms – and he didn’t even attempt to say hello to them when they came downstairs shortly afterwards. Tom offered him food from the barbecue and then sat with us…
Grandad
Dreaming I am in a fancy dress shop. I’m trying to remember what it is I need to buy a costume for. The person I am with tells me I need a grass skirt for Patsy’s party, but I say I need something else as well. I can’t remember what. I am in a school playground with Annie and her friends; Annie looks really ill. She has really heavy, red eyes and a rash on her face. I feel her head; she is roasting hot. I talk to Mrs Jeffery and tell her I think Annie is ill. She goes…
Mojo
I’ve lost my mojo. I’ve spent the past few days searching everywhere I can think of, but it’s nowhere to be found. I suppose when some of your last blog posts are called Unravelling, Survive, and Alone, it’s inevitable that the next one in the sequence will be about lost mojos. Maybe I need to retrace…
Deep
When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.
Movement
The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I feel unsettled and stressed. I’ve had a constant feeling of anxiety – the sick feeling, the constant feeling of being on edge. Too much happened at once.
Unsuitable
Dreaming Abi is getting married again. The wedding is at 1.30 pm. The car to take us to the wedding is coming at 1.10, 1.15 or 1.20 pm. I am telling Josh and Amelia to get ready and have a shower when I realise I have nothing to wear. I decide to go into town quickly and get something. I go to get in my car. I am on the drive to the house at Church Lane. I am going to drive Dad/Tom’s car….
Sensation
Dreaming I am on holiday alone but am in someone’s suite in the guest house I’m staying at. There are two people here who are going to kill a man. They intend to kill him by electrocuting him in the bath, but first they want to knock him out to get him in the bath. They do something to him, which means he’s dead by the time they get him in the bath, and so they won’t have to electrocute him, but they do it…
Loyalty
When Tom came around to pick up Annie, his phone rang. His happy tone of voice as he spoke piqued my interest. I worked out it was either Abi or her husband, Andy, on the phone. When the call finished, he was like an excited little schoolboy. Abi and Andy had invited him and Annie…
Weight
I received a letter this morning informing me that the government’s recently announced changes are starting to take effect, which means that a benefit I receive for the children will be cut by £10 per week. This means I now need to find an extra £40 per month. I’m almost sure that if I were…
Denial
Tom seems to be in complete denial that our relationship is coming to an end, which doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me, given that he’s shown me almost nothing but hatred for so long. Yesterday, he invited Abi and her family around for a barbecue. He got the paddling pool out for…
Testing
Dreaming
Boiling
Dreaming I am in what looks like a school hall; it is a big room with windows all along one side and a brown-framed door on the right-hand side (of the windows). I am going to have my photograph taken. Linda is the photographer. It is daytime. Linda has gone to a wardrobe on the left, the brown wardrobe that I used to have in Devon Street, and is holding up a turquoise cardigan she says I should wear for one of the photographs. I…
You
We saw Abi today. Afterwards, Tom said, “I think Abi is fantastic; she’s clever, highly intelligent, shrewd and not a bit like you. I really admire her, and I wish you were more like her.” I feel like a worthless piece of shit.
Open
Dreaming I am at home, upstairs with Abi and Connor, squeezing spots on Connor’s eyes. The spots aren’t visible, but I know they’re there. Loads and loads of pus is coming out of each one. I go around the house opening the windows. I open two upstairs and then one downstairs – the living room…
Collect
Dreaming I have to go to London to collect Lucy and bring her back to her house. I’m almost certain I know the way and feel quite confident. I get in the car with Abi to head to London; I think we have a two-hour journey ahead of us. Before I know it, we are in London, and I’ve received a text from Lois, who is with Lucy. It is of a map pinpointing which cafe/restaurant they’re in, and which table…
Waiting
For the third time this week, Tom is at the pub twenty miles away. He left home just before 5pm. He planned on coming back sometime after midnight. Usually, he’ll come home on the last train, stumble through the door, pour himself a glass of wine, maybe a second, before staggering up to bed and…