Never has it been clearer to me that I need to do some major work on myself.

I’m taking a long, hard look at myself this week and seeing that I am actually completely unfulfilled in almost every area of my life. I feel empty much of the time, and I lack intimate relationships because I have so much fear about getting close to people. Even my friendships, I notice, are similar to how I am with Phil.

I went for breakfast with Cheryl the other day, and I found myself withdrawing from her and needing to spend time with Karen instead. Cheryl is fun, lighthearted, and sweet, but I wanted a serious, grown-up conversation; I realised that Cheryl doesn’t have the life experience to talk about the things I needed to talk about.

I’ve been noticing too how unkind I’ve become to people. I feel such hurt and anger that I’m projecting this onto others a lot of the time. I don’t speak words of kindness, and I don’t do acts of kindness. I’ve become very hard-hearted, and I don’t like it. I used to be gentle, soft, and loving – at least I think I did. Maybe I didn’t.

I’m asking myself why Phil is back in my life. I always believe everyone in your life is there to help teach you something. I think Phil is still part of my healing journey, but rather than just healing me from Tom’s hurt, I think he’s here to heal me as a whole. To make me whole again. I’m not putting that on him; I’m just allowing myself to see how he could help me, knowing I will be helping him with some important soul lessons too.

When I have been with Phil, though, life is so difficult. His kindness, empathy, love and everything about him seems to highlight all that I lack. In his mirror, all I see are my flaws. I see how unpolished I am, how much work I have to do on myself, and this is what’s on my mind when I end the relationship, one of the things on my mind. I won’t pretend it’s the only thing when there’s a myriad of problems that I can’t see beyond, and so I reach the conclusion that I can’t be with not only him, but with anyone.

I have stayed 100% single, not even dating, since Phil and I split up because it’s easier for me to be alone than to have someone reflecting to me all that is flawed in my life. There is so much. So much I need to work on, to change.

This time, though, with Phil coming back into my life, just his presence has shown me that the Universe is telling me to work on it now. NOW is the time. I can see that the words I heard, my recent dreams and Phil are all connected in a deeply spiritual way and that I have to work on all of these flaws starting now.

I have booked once again to see a counsellor, and I am trying to find the money so I can embark on a course about relationship anxiety because if I can’t make this work with someone like Phil, someone so selfless, calm, loving and patient, the only person that’s ever going to give me the space to heal, then I just won’t ever make this work with anyone.

I have to work this out. I know if I don’t, I will kick myself forever, either because I’m on my own for the rest of my life. or because I will end up in relationships that are shallow and unloving.