I had an interesting conversation with Tom today. I told him how I felt yesterday when I took the kids out for lunch; how sad it made me feel. I elaborated and told him how I feel as though I have to stay single for at least the next eleven years until Annie is eighteen, so that I am totally devoted to raising the children with no distractions; however, I admitted that made me sad too because I miss being part of a couple, but it seems impossible to be a good Mum and be available in a relationship in every way.

Tom really surprised me by almost encouraging a relationship. Certainly by saying that I could have a relationship that didn’t involve the kids and just see a man once or twice a week. When I said that was impossible with having only one night a fortnight to myself, he offered to watch the kids so I could pursue a relationship. When I told him that I didn’t want a relationship that wasn’t going to ever lead anywhere – that if I was going to go as far as even starting a relationship with someone, I’d like it to have a future of potential marriage – he didn’t brush the idea away or criticise it at all. He just said that I can’t have my cake and eat it, meaning I can’t be on my own and have a relationship. It was all a great surprise to me.

Throughout the day, I’d been thinking more and more about getting in touch again with a side of me that’s been absent for a while. I refer to it as my wild side, but really it’s not; it’s just me, who I really am. The part that loves to play, have fun, laugh, be mischievous – the part that’s been missing for far too long. I know that if I allow that part of me to come back to life, it will open my heart to other possibilities because when I’m in that space, I’m in a more loving, open space in general, so there’s more chance of dating, fun, or even love coming into my life. I can see that, at the moment, I am closed off to everything. I’ve sealed my heart, but in doing so, I’ve sealed my life off. I have no fun, and I am no fun. I’ve got boring and scared, and I’m doing nothing but existing instead of living life to the full. I am not living to my full potential because I’m too held back by fear, and if I’m honest, I use the kids as an excuse to stay still.

As I thought about my wild side, I also thought again about a ‘Yes’ project that I started last year, which was supposed to last a year but actually only lasted a couple of weeks, if that. I messed that up because I told people I was doing it. Phil and Karen knew. I think I told my Dad too. Once I’d let it out, I felt it became an obligation, and it lost its fun. I felt pressured. Actually, I felt pressured anyway because it was stepping out of my comfort zone, but when I think about what I’ve written the last two days about men, relationships, love, my life going nowhere, feeling like there’s more than this in me, I have to conclude that I control my life too much and maybe it’s time to just free fall; to put all my trust in the Universe, and to just allow life to take over. The only way I know to do that is to trust that by saying yes to every opportunity that comes my way, it will eventually lead me to a better life and to a life that is worth living. Maybe even to a life I simply can’t imagine at this moment in time. I guess really, the possibilities are endless.

In all honesty, I am scared. I am scared of what opportunities may come my way because to become a true, authentic ‘Yes Woman’ I’d have to say yes to EVERYTHING, no matter who presents it. My biggest fear around that is Phil asking me to do something that I really don’t want to do. I’m going to do it though. I’m going to try and commit to one month starting on May 1st. For one whole month, I will say yes to every offer that comes my way, excluding anything illegal or anything that could endanger my life.

This time it’s a secret from everyone, and this time I’m going to try so hard to face my fears.