I woke feeling much better than I have for the last few weeks. I felt positive, balanced and centred ~ a state the relationship anxiety course leader calls ‘when your heart is open instead of closed down through fear.’ I was energised and ready to tackle the housework that’s been building all week – a distraction I was welcoming with open arms as  I’d decided to have a day of not thinking and not mentally and emotionally working. I’m utterly drained from it, but it seems my psyche had other ideas.

I put music on shuffle – with nearly 2000 songs to choose from, I never know what’s going to come next. I was tidying and cleaning, singing loudly and dancing around to the music without a care in the world until I heard my nephew moving around upstairs. I instantly felt the anxiety knot in my stomach. I lowered my voice, stopped dancing and started skipping the particularly cheesy songs which, two minutes earlier, I’d been loving.

I started feeling tired and weak, and needed to sit down. I stopped to listen to what was underneath this layer of fear and found a fear of being judged. I tried to ignore it as much as I could, but I noticed that my voice that had been strong previously was now much weaker. I kept needing to clear my throat – a nervous reaction that I recalled doing throughout my childhood.

I then found myself having memories appear of the many times in my life I’ve felt judged for my singing or my music…