Love

Weight

I received a letter this morning informing me that the government’s recently announced changes are starting to take effect, which means that a benefit I receive for the children will be cut by £10 per week. This means I now need to find an extra £40 per month. I’m almost sure that if I were…

Perform

Dreaming I am in a shop when I see Maria from a well known girl group; her name is Natalie, and she is working there. I speak to her and notice how different she looks; she is covered in spots all around her hairline. I like that she is completely normal, like everyone else. She is about to perform and goes to get ready. The next time I see her, she looks…

Tangled

A few weeks ago, when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch with my old psychotherapist, whom I first started seeing when I needed the support to be able to leave Tom. I’ve had a few sessions with him recently, but after today’s session, I realised something….

Notes

It’s been two weeks since Maxine died. My devastation is beyond anything I’ve felt before. It has shaken me to my absolute core. I seem to be spending too much time in bed – feeling scared, more than anything else. Maxine was a light that shone so brightly. She lit up the room when she walked…

Spirit

Dreaming I’m at Louise’s house, looking over at Maxine’s house. I’m in Maxine’s house; there are many rooms. Maxine is there in spirit; her sisters are there. I’m watching people walk along a bridge when a boy falls over the side. Maxine’s sister grabs him just in time There is a large tank of water; Amy and Alfie are in one side, Michael in the other. I produce something to give to Michael which has lots of kind words on it. There’s another man in the tank/pool on the right. (Tom) He…

Heart

I’ve tried. I’ve really tried, but I cannot take Tom back into my heart. There’s barely enough room for me there at the moment; there’s definitely not enough room for him. I want the love we shared in the very beginning – I’d take that back in an instant – but he hasn’t got it…

Runners

Dreaming It is morning; I have just woken. Greg/Tom (Greg is more prominent) is in bed next to me.

Curl

I wish I could curl up in my bed and stay there until it all goes away. Instead, I did the next best thing. I put Annie into my bed, we snuggled up with the duvet, pillows and cushions, got some snacks, and had a DVD night before curling up together and sleeping in each…

Contented

Dreaming Tom and I have had a lovely time together and are very much in love. We’ve decided, as it’s Saturday, to spend the day together. Annie isn’t around, and it seems this is based in the past.We are at Tom’s house. I am getting some stuff for him to come to mine; he has gone to Birchside to drop something off or pick up, possibly at my mum’s house. I feel very happy, content and at peace. I get what…

Lesson

I joined a dating site last week. I know it’s been less than three months since Tom and I split up, and if I’m honest with myself, I don’t actually want a relationship, but I will not let what happened between us define my future. I will not allow Tom’s actions to shape my thoughts…

Safe

Most probably it’s the two glasses of wine I’ve had, combined with getting a kitten, but tonight I feel warm and fuzzy inside. I spent the day with Tom. He came over mid-morning, fixed the trampoline for the children to use, stayed to play with Annie, joined us for lunch and came with me to…

Overnight

I had a few friends over tonight to celebrate my new beginning with me. It’s the first time that I’ve had friends at my home in four years because I never felt as though I could with Tom. He always made it really clear that the house was his, and permission had to be sought…

Cruel

His barbed words woke me constantly throughout the night to remind me of the past that just yesterday was my present. The past that I now know isn’t going to go away just because I’ve fled its shackles. The stars in the night sky sealed my heart as much as they sealed my fate. Soaking…

Contract

I have signed the contract and picked up the keys to our new home; a house that just me and the children will live in. I’m leaving behind a man I love to the depths of me; a man that I thought would be in my life forever. I’m devastated, but I know it’s the…

Fifteen

In fifteen days, I will leave this house and my life with Tom forever. The children and I are going to our new home, where we have choices in how it’s decorated and what we watch on TV, how I spend money and what food we eat. I also get to give Annie a bedroom…

Life

I feel as though I am pregnant with a new life that’s growing from within. It kicks and shifts constantly to remind me of its imminent arrival. I sense it’s the birth of a long, slow process of growth and self-discovery that I know will change me beyond all recognition. I’m scared; I don’t know…

Poignant

I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the old me in the hope that it will give me something to hold on to as my life changes so much. I joined a choir last year, and have been having some singing lessons. Singing…

Integrity

Discoveries are not always good things, but maybe something to learn from… I discovered that I speak from my head and not my heart. I’m not sure I’ve ever really spoken from the heart. I definitely think that what I say or do an awful lot of the time is driven by fear, but how…

Question

The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve deeper than I’ve ever gone before into all areas. Today it was money, namely Tom’s money. I don’t feel that I’m entitled to it, that it’s wrong for me to ask. And then there’s my…

Madness

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family, and yet I’ve never felt as empty as I do right now. Tom went upstairs to bed at 8.30 pm to watch TV, as he wanted to relax and cuddle up with Annie. He told me that he goes up…

2019

In 2019, I will be 46 years old. Josh, Amelia and Rosie will be adults; Annie will almost be a teenager. I may be a mother-in-law and a grandmother.

Awkward

Dreaming I am with Tom. He takes my hand in his; his hand is so warm and comfortable, and I’ve missed it. I feel complete love for him, and he for me. I never want to let go. We kiss – long, lingering kisses. I notice Amelia watching us through the crack in the door;…

Boring

It was a really lovely day today, so I suggested getting my mum to watch the kids and just us going for a picnic, but Tom said, “Why the fuck would we do that? It would be boring with just you; we’d have nothing to talk about. You’re boring, you have no passion for anything….

I was sitting out in the garden, sanding some furniture earlier when I looked up and caught Tom watching me. When I turned off the sander, he said, “I love you.” I almost cried. This is the first time in so long – years – that he has told me that he loves me. I…

Emanating

Dreaming I am queuing in a shop waiting to pay. The female shop assistant realises that a man is stealing wine; he is just around the corner of the shop and not visible from where I am standing. Another female shop assistant is standing near him and can see what he is doing. She tells…

Knowledge

One day last week, Tom woke up in a bit of a mood. The best way for me to deal with his moods is to leave him alone until he snaps out of it. He was working from home, so he spent the next couple of hours on his laptop. I got on and tidied…

2048

I actually had a good night’s sleep last night. Annie barely woke, and it made all the difference to how I feel today. I’ve been in a great mood all day, and Tom has noticed. He’s been warm and affectionate. When I took some photographs of Annie, Tom said we should have a photo together….

Fraud

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse, and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for a long time if Tom might be abusive, but I also wonder if I have mental health issues that make me paranoid and think that he’s abusive. I was hoping that by going along to…

Shower

I’m moving out sometime in the new year, but I’m not rushing it as I want to ensure I stay in this area for the girls’ school. We both agree it’s inevitable, so why prolong it? We’ve agreed that for now we’re still a couple, but we’ll be living separately; whether we’ll continue as a…

Committed

I still love Tom more than ever, and I still want a relationship with him, but I don’t really want to live with him anymore. He’s noisy; I like quiet. We don’t have the same taste in decor, music, TV programs or anything really. While I know it sounds like we have nothing much to…

Inevitable

I had a counselling session today and have come to realise that the way I am with Tom is becoming more and more like the way my parents were with each other, and I don’t like it one bit. I definitely need to recognise it when it happens and change it. I was wondering if…

Farm

Tom took the day off work, so we took Annie along to the local farm. She has developed a fear of animals lately, so she spent most of the day clinging to Tom. Seeing him so protective of her made me love him all the more. He didn’t try to persuade her that the animals…

Cinema

Tom actually agreed to go out with me tonight, just me and him. Whenever I’ve asked him before, he’s refused to go because he doesn’t want to leave Annie with babysitters or because he thinks he’d be bored with just my company. I was so excited when he agreed, and I allowed myself to imagine…

Always

My Dad rang this morning to tell me that my aunt has died unexpectedly. I got off the phone and, through tears, told Tom what had happened, but I had interrupted him while he was listening to records. He started shouting at me for annoying him, and said it’s always my fault that he’s annoyed….

Cycle

It started again this morning – the name-calling and being nasty to me. This time I snapped. I told him that I couldn’t take much more of it, that I’ve told him before that I hate it, and I asked him why – if he loves me – does he continue to do something that…

Rollercoaster

Just as I was starting to really believe things were changing, I’m now worrying that things with Tom are slipping again. Tonight, I popped out for an hour to take Josh to his judo class. When I got back, I wanted to have a little bit of time to unwind, but then Annie woke up….

Secret

It’ll be Tom’s birthday in a couple of months. I’ve decided to throw him a surprise party to celebrate. It’s also to show him how much he means to me, in the hope that he will want our relationship to work, and will love me back in return. Loads of his friends and family – some…

First

I left Annie with Tom for the first time tonight while I went out for dinner with friends. It was really lovely to have a break, but so difficult to walk out the door. I missed the children and was worried about how he would cope with all four of them, but when I got…

Rash

When we moved in together, Tom refused to let me bring any of my furniture to our new home. He said it was all ‘cheap shit‘. It wasn’t. He said we’d get new furniture even though it would cost us money he said we didn’t have. Weeks later, we still have no dining table, so…

Nit

Dreaming I am looking in the mirror; my skin is really clear. I have sunglasses on and push them onto my head, over my hair. Greg comes in with a man from work and puts some cards on the side; one is addressed to me and says ‘Open Monday’. It has silly love poems on…

Skill

Dreaming I am in Dad’s car, in the backseat. Abi is in the passenger seat, and Josh is driving. We are going to Jim and Mary’s house. I have to pick Dad up again at 1.30 pm; it is already that time. A car approaches ours, and Josh skillfully reverses the car to let the…

Guard

Dreaming It is a Saturday morning, and I am driving to Elmsford. Greg, Amelia and Rosie are with me. The car doesn’t feel like it is working properly; it is bumpy, but I ignore it. I am driving fast, and I find myself falling out of the window. I struggle to get back in and…

Aspects

Dreaming I am sitting in the driver’s seat of a car with a man that I am seeing. We kiss and cuddle, and I really love him. Out of the window, we see some police and know that we have to hide. We’re walking down a street with his friend, who used to be my…

Inferior

Dreaming I am driving on the motorway towards Hazleton. The traffic ahead is coming to a standstill; I brake hard and stop. The car behind hits me, but only gently. I turn around to look, and the man in the car – which is blue – smiles. To my left are four cars that have all crashed;…

Quilt

Dreaming I am visiting a male relative in hospital; there is nothing else they can do for him, and I feel really sad. I walk through Hazleton, pushing Rosie in a pram; she has cancer and only has days to live. I am trying to buy a quilt for her to keep her warm in…

Patience

Dreaming There is a very long queue of cars and lorries waiting to get petrol. Two hundred people are waiting, all getting irate. I walk past them all, through a car park, and ask for the angels to give them patience and love, and to help them feel calm. It happens instantly. I look around…

Baby

Dreaming I am at 18 Devon Street. Erin knocks on the door; she has a friend with her. They both have babies that are seven months old. They ask if I will look after the babies. I agree, and they hand me the babies’ bags and put a baby in each arm. Erin kisses her…

Josh

Dreaming I am in a large department store with Josh. I see Fern and ask her if she is pregnant; she is, and she shows me her tummy. I show her mine because I’m pregnant too. I hear Bridget call me; she’s pregnant too. I ask Fern how long she has left; she says two weeks, but…