Relationships – Page 2

Strong

Meals

I slept really badly – my mind was nagging at me throughout the night. It all seemed to stem from the most innocent of conversations with Phil about the meals he eats; microwave meals most of the time, as he sees no point in cooking just for himself and is too tired to prepare and…

Held

I met up with Phil last night, totally spontaneously. I was at home and child-free. I was drinking wine when I decided to get a taxi and go see him.

Told

I told Phil about Tom. I spent the entire morning getting it all out in an email so Phil knows some of what went on, what he has to deal with and how it still affects me. I’ve been having some major fears coming up. What if I’m wrong about Phil and he turns out…

Falling

Phil was texting me tonight when, out of the blue, he said, “I’m falling in love with you.” It completely freaked me out. We’ve only been talking for a couple of days, and we haven’t even met yet. How can he be falling for someone he doesn’t know? It’s starting to make me feel as…

5am

Yesterday, a friend posted a Facebook status. I left a comment, and a couple of her friends replied. Later, I received a DM from one of her friends who had responded earlier. His name is Phil. We began a conversation that went on through the night until 5 am today. I don’t know much about…

Good

While talking to my Mum, she said she’d realised something in the early hours of this morning. That the three significant relationships I’d had in my life, their combined surname initials spelt out BAD. I wouldn’t say that any of the three had been bad people per se, but each one had been bad for…

Wasn’t

I was talking to my friend Rachel about her abusive ex and the new man in her life. I said, “It must be very difficult to love again when love has, so far in your life, taught you that it’s nasty and hurtful?” And then I realised… I didn’t feel loved as a child or…

Disaster

Having spent the last two days thinking that Tom and I could possibly make another go of things – thankfully, I haven’t acted on it – I’ve now been made to rethink things. I woke this morning with a song in my head. I think the words pretty much sum him up, and all the…

Quietly

If this ‘thing’ with Craig goes no further than it is right now, if we only ever stay friends, or if we drift apart and never speak again, I will always be so grateful that I met someone that I feel as if I slotted so into place with. I can’t even begin to describe…

Attraction

Eleven months have passed since I moved into this house and away from Tom. I don’t even want to think about where I was, emotionally, this time last year. Certainly not where I am now – enjoying the peace of a childfree, sunny and warm Sunday afternoon, feeling relaxed and content. It got me thinking…

Dirty

Craig got back in touch with me again a few nights ago, and the talk turned to sex. We both decided to take the bull by the horns and just do it. Not very romantic, I know, but it was never likely to be. Tonight we spent the night together. Craig booked a hotel rather…

Attachments

It’s so strange how things creep up and take me by surprise when I least expect them. Annie is staying over at Tom’s tonight for the first time. It’s also the first time she’s ever slept away from me; we’ve shared our lives almost 100% for the last four years, and shared our bed for…

Slipping

Tom and I have been trying to make another go of it, but I don’t think it will work. I can’t help noticing that the more time we spend together, the more comfortable he becomes and the more it feels as though he’s slipping back to his old ways. I know I could be wrong;…

Early

Two days ago I took Tom out for lunch. For the first time in a very long time, maybe ever, I spoke openly and honestly to him. I could see what he was thinking: that within a few days I would take it all back and not mean any of it. We talked a lot…

Almost

I met up with Craig for lunch again today, except lunch was at my house and there was no food prepared, or likely to be. After a couple of minutes of slight awkwardness, Craig came towards me and kissed me. Years of frustration, on my part, took hold, and I almost attacked the poor man….

Sexual

Craig’s refusal to jump into bed with me knocked me, but I’m glad he did. It made me realise just how insecure I am still – about my body, about myself as a person, but mostly about myself as a sexual woman. It’s been so long since I’ve been sexual or even seen myself as…

Proposal

I broached the subject of sex with Craig. The combination of his flirting and taking those photos a few days ago has really got me thinking. I’ve been deprived of a sexual, intimate relationship for so long, and it’s always been something really important to me, so now that I’m single, why deprive myself any…

Lean

I went on a second date with Craig today. It was a little different to our first; Craig ramped up the flirting. As we waited for our food, he leaned in as close as he could, held one side of my face with his hand, bringing my ear closer to his mouth, and whispered, “I…

Naked

Meeting Craig has been so good for me. We talk all the time, and I really feel that for the first time in such a long time, it’s safe for me to really be myself. We talk about almost everything, and I never feel that I have to hold back with him. The only thing…

Needed

I went on a date with Craig today. It’s the first date I’ve been on since leaving Tom, and my first date in over seven years. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. We arranged to meet at a local pub at lunchtime. I was there first and waited nervously for him. He…

Lesson

I joined a dating site last week. I know it’s been less than three months since Tom and I split up, and if I’m honest with myself, I don’t actually want a relationship, but I will not let what happened between us define my future. I will not allow Tom’s actions to shape my thoughts…

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…

After

I’m lying on the floor of an unfamiliar bedroom in a strange house. Despite the absence of the discarded plastic from the new mattress beneath me, the odour still manages to permeate my senses. The cushioning lacks the warmth of contours that can only come from two bodies entwined; it barely softens the harshness of…

Contract

I have signed the contract and picked up the keys to our new home; a house that just me and the children will live in. I’m leaving behind a man I love to the depths of me; a man that I thought would be in my life forever. I’m devastated, but I know it’s the…

Six

In six days, I get the keys to our new home. I wish I could say I’m excited, but I don’t really feel anything. This house – or at least the things that are mine – is still nowhere near packed. I’ve done most of the bedroom, half of the older girls’ stuff, the utility…

Fifteen

In fifteen days, I will leave this house and my life with Tom forever. The children and I are going to our new home, where we have choices in how it’s decorated and what we watch on TV, how I spend money and what food we eat. I also get to give Annie a bedroom…

Same

We’re moving out in sixteen days. I’ve packed four boxes so far. I have a pile of letters that need responding to. I need to sort out utilities for the new house, yet I don’t feel like doing any of it. I think the stress of the last few years, coupled with the stress of…

Worth

I am viewing a house this week that may be ideal for us. I have a few reservations about the area – it’s slightly further away than I wanted to go, which makes it more difficult for the children to easily see their friends – but I know we can work around that. The house…

Denial

Tom seems to be in complete denial that our relationship is coming to an end, which doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me, given that he’s shown me almost nothing but hatred for so long. Yesterday, he invited Abi and her family around for a barbecue. He got the paddling pool out for…

Over

I’ve told Tom that it’s over and that I will be moving out as soon as I can. He keeps trying to hug me, but I brush him off. We haven’t had any physical contact for six months and no longer sleep in the same bed, so why now? I know now that he will…

Poignant

I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the old me in the hope that it will give me something to hold on to as my life changes so much. I joined a choir last year, and have been having some singing lessons. Singing…

Forward

We were supposed to be clearing the garden today, ready for new turf. It’s a big garden with lots of crap dumped in it, so it was a whole day’s work. I went outside with Annie and started to tidy while Tom sat doing nothing except scrolling through Facebook. Eventually, after I’d dug up and…

Integrity

Discoveries are not always good things, but maybe something to learn from… I discovered that I speak from my head and not my heart. I’m not sure I’ve ever really spoken from the heart. I definitely think that what I say or do an awful lot of the time is driven by fear, but how…

Question

The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve deeper than I’ve ever gone before into all areas. Today it was money, namely Tom’s money. I don’t feel that I’m entitled to it, that it’s wrong for me to ask. And then there’s my…

Value

I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist, but I do know that I am feeling stronger each week, despite my near disaster three days ago. In turn, Tom seems weaker. His moods are awful lately; he senses the change within me, and it must threaten him. After all, he…

Madness

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family, and yet I’ve never felt as empty as I do right now. Tom went upstairs to bed at 8.30 pm to watch TV, as he wanted to relax and cuddle up with Annie. He told me that he goes up…

Suspicious

I had to go to the doctor’s tonight for a checkup. I’ve been having chest pains all day, and over the course of the afternoon, they got worse. I phoned the doctor, and he said to come straight down. I got hooked up to an ECG machine and checked over thoroughly. The ECG came back…

Consequence

Dreaming Tom and I are arguing; I feel really angry and frustrated with him. I get two knives out of the kitchen drawer and go into the dining room with them, but I no longer feel angry. I go into the kitchen to find Tom standing with his back to me by one of the sides. I go behind him and jokingly run the big knife along the top of his shoulder muscle. It splits right open, and he starts to bleed badly. I look at the wound; it is massive, and I realise it…

Snow

It snowed really heavily last night and was still snowing this morning when we awoke. The girls stayed off school, Tom and Josh stayed home from work, and we all played out in the snow. My neighbour Sam came around in the afternoon; we all built snowmen in the garden, but then Tom started making…

Potential

New beginnings come in all shapes and sizes. Today not only heralds the start of a new year but also the potential for a whole new state of existence. I have done all that I can to hold Tom and I together. I’ve tried my hardest to fix an impossible situation, and I’m at a…

Fear

I really can’t take any more of this and will be doing everything in my power to get out in the next few months. I really hope and pray that I have the strength to do so. I’ve put up with his shit for long enough. I am so sick of the mental cruelty. Yet…

Still

Tom and I rarely have sex anymore, but last night we did for the first time in a very, very long time. It wasn’t what I wanted it to be at all, though. It didn’t connect us; in fact, when we’d finished, he said just about the cruellest thing anyone has ever said to me….

Reaquainting

There are many things that people might think are the worst things about the kind of relationship I’m in. Maybe they think it’s the shouting and screaming, or they may believe it’s the actual words that get said. They may see it as the manipulation that’s the hardest thing to bear, or the constant worry…

Float

Tom came back home from visiting his family today.

Clarity

How?

Looking back, I can see that I’ve always put everyone else’s needs before my own. I always thought that was what made me a good mum, partner, sister, daughter and friend, but I’m starting to feel like a complete fool.

Breathless

Annie has slept through the night twice since she was born; most nights she’s up at least four times between 11am – 6am. I have always been the one to deal with her; Tom never has, nor has he offered to. She’s now started getting up at 6 am every day, so as well as…

Revert

Tom has really thrown me yet again. He rarely joins in with anything the children and I do. In fact, I can’t remember the last time he did something with us, but today when I told him the girls had been invited to a Halloween party at Susie’s, he said he wanted to come. Not…

Lower

Today has been really challenging. I’m tired and stressed, and I can’t see any way out. I have been looking for houses to rent, but there’s nothing in my price range and nothing in the areas I want to live. I had a chat with a solicitor, but it doesn’t sound hopeful. Tom refused to…

Heavier

Why won’t Tom ever have sex with me? Am I that ugly? Is my body really that disgusting to look at? Is it because I’ve had four children and my stomach isn’t flat, or because my breasts have been full of milk for the last two years? I know I’m a bit heavier than when…

Charm

Tom and I disagreed a few days ago; it was over in minutes, and as far as I was concerned, that was that, but that night he got up from the sofa and went up to bed without saying a word to me, something that hasn’t happened for months. I was really upset about that,…

Unimportant

Tom has put the house he lived in before we moved in here together up for sale. He walked in, told me he’d had an offer, I asked how much and he said, ‘Why? What does it matter?’ I said surely as a couple that lives as husband and wife, we should talk about how…

Stop

After twenty-nine months, I’m going to stop breastfeeding Annie. I kept it going for so long partly because I didn’t want to rush her, but also because I was scared to stop in case he carried out his threat to take her away from me. Annie feeds loads during the day and even more at…

Boring

It was a really lovely day today, so I suggested getting my mum to watch the kids and just us going for a picnic, but Tom said, “Why the fuck would we do that? It would be boring with just you; we’d have nothing to talk about. You’re boring, you have no passion for anything….

Love

I was sitting out in the garden, sanding some furniture earlier when I looked up and caught Tom watching me. When I turned off the sander, he said, “I love you.” I almost cried. This is the first time in so long – years – that he has told me that he loves me. I…

Because

Tom told me today that he’s in debt and it’s all because of me. He said I pushed him into buying a house and moving in together, even though it was actually all his idea. He said that I use him and all I’m interested in is his money and sex, which I find really…

Me

The older children were all at their dad’s today, so it was just Tom, Annie and I at home. I felt as though I could do with some time to myself, so I asked him if he could take Annie out for a couple of hours. I thought he would jump at the chance as…

Snap

It’s been such a long time since Tom and I had a good day together; all we’ve done for months is argue. My resentment towards him builds more and more each day, but the other day he really surprised and confused me. Out of nowhere, he bought me a new camera, a really good one….

Waste

We went out for lunch today. If we ever go out, we almost always go to the same restaurant, and I pretty much always order the same food because I love it so much. This week, I’ve decided to go on a diet and try to deal with the extra pounds I’ve put on, so…

Missing

Amelia had an end-of-school leaving party tonight. Once she was all dressed and ready to leave, I took some photos of her. I then took a photo of Tom with her, and he took one of me with Amelia. I looked back at the photos later, and came across the one he took of me….

Knowledge

One day last week, Tom woke up in a bit of a mood. The best way for me to deal with his moods is to leave him alone until he snaps out of it. He was working from home, so he spent the next couple of hours on his laptop. I got on and tidied…

Garden

Tom has been away for four days visiting his family. While he was gone, I decided to give the garden a makeover to create somewhere for the children to actually be able to use. All of my children, Susie and her two children, and my two oldest nephews came to help. By the end of…

2048

I actually had a good night’s sleep last night. Annie barely woke, and it made all the difference to how I feel today. I’ve been in a great mood all day, and Tom has noticed. He’s been warm and affectionate. When I took some photographs of Annie, Tom said we should have a photo together….

Courage

I spent all week unsure whether to go back to the domestic abuse group or not. I didn’t want to go and spend the whole time in tears again, partly because I’m not good with being emotional in front of people and partly because I feel it stops the group doing what they’ve come for;…

Fraud

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse, and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for a long time if Tom might be abusive, but I also wonder if I have mental health issues that make me paranoid and think that he’s abusive. I was hoping that by going along to…

Course

Even though Tom complains every single time I take photographs of Annie, saying I will blind her or damage her eyes with the flash, and even though he constantly complains that I’m always photographing something, he told me a few days ago that he’s paid for me to go to college one morning a week…

Game

Although Tom and I have decided to give this one last try, he has now started making what he calls jokes about me and the older children all moving out. It’s relentless. Every few days, there’s another ‘joke’ about us going back to our old house, or about my other children going to live with…

Rejection

Tom used to stay downstairs watching TV until midnight, but these days, if he’s not at the pub, he goes up to bed by nine o’clock to watch it there. I can’t bring myself to get into bed that early – Josh doesn’t go to sleep until at least 10 pm, and if I went…

Cold

I’m so angry with myself. Annie had me up so much on Sunday night, and last night even more so. I felt as if I had about two hours of sleep all night, so today I’ve been exhausted. At half past eight tonight, I told Tom I was going up to bed. I got my…

Process

Today has been harder than I ever imagined it to be for both of us. We both feel that we’ve failed, and both feel very sad that we’re coming to an end. We’ve discussed how our relationship will continue; we can both see the positives, but we can both see the negatives, too. We do…

Shower

I’m moving out sometime in the new year, but I’m not rushing it as I want to ensure I stay in this area for the girls’ school. We both agree it’s inevitable, so why prolong it? We’ve agreed that for now we’re still a couple, but we’ll be living separately; whether we’ll continue as a…

Committed

I still love Tom more than ever, and I still want a relationship with him, but I don’t really want to live with him anymore. He’s noisy; I like quiet. We don’t have the same taste in decor, music, TV programs or anything really. While I know it sounds like we have nothing much to…

Thunder

Christmas Day didn’t quite go the way I hoped, unfortunately. The children woke and opened their presents while Tom sat with a face like thunder, watching them. He spent the rest of the day complaining about what I’d bought for the children, saying they should have only had one small present each, and that the…

Empty

Tom shocked me by saying he would do the Christmas food shop. I used the opportunity to spend some quality time with the children by taking them out for a couple of hours. It was cold but so nice to spend time together. I came back to find the cupboards as I left them; the…

Your

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to Tom about buying the presents for Christmas; his reply – ‘That’s your department‘ The tree needs putting up, the house decorating – ‘That’s your department‘ Today I asked when we’re doing the food shop – again, ‘Your department.’ I ask what he’d like buying in the way of…

You

We saw Abi today. Afterwards, Tom said, “I think Abi is fantastic; she’s clever, highly intelligent, shrewd and not a bit like you. I really admire her, and I wish you were more like her.” I feel like a worthless piece of shit.

Wipe

Dreaming I am sitting in a chair with a door ahead of me. Tom is slightly in front, on the right, sitting on a toilet. Once he’s finished, he wipes his shit on my face. Responding The dream’s meaning seems so obvious. I’m being passive in this situation with Tom, and because of my passivity and lack of action, Tom is literally able to put all of his ‘shit’ onto me. Shit…

Holiday

We’ve just returned from a visit to Tom’s family, and I hated every minute of it.

Reasons

I’ve been making more of an effort to make friends with people recently. I’ve become really reclusive over the last year or so, staying home most of the time or just spending time with the children or Tom. I thought it would be good for me to interact with others a little more. I’ve made…

Something

I feel so worthless and so stupid. Everything I say or do gets picked apart and ridiculed by Tom. The other day, I was singing to myself as I did the housework. Tom heard me and said that he was embarrassed by it because I’m just trying to be something that I’m not. He’s always…

Doubt

Despite what the counsellor said about me being negative, I’m starting to have doubts. I think she was wrong. Maybe I am negative, but Tom isn’t innocent in all of this; in fact, I’m starting to wonder if I might be in a verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. I’m also wondering if my…

Ruined

From the moment I met Tom, he’s always complained about me not wanting my photograph taken, so today when he took some photos of Annie and asked me to be in them, I agreed. When he looked back at the photos tonight, he said I looked stupid and that I ruined the pictures. What the…

Silenced

Amelia had some friends over to sleep tonight for her birthday. The girls’ bedroom isn’t big enough to sleep everyone, so I decided they could sleep downstairs in the living room. Tom has been in a mood all day; tonight he exploded. He said I had no right to arrange a sleepover in his house…

Inevitable

I had a counselling session today and have come to realise that the way I am with Tom is becoming more and more like the way my parents were with each other, and I don’t like it one bit. I definitely need to recognise it when it happens and change it. I was wondering if…

Rude

My Dad came over today. We were in the kitchen talking and joking around, which involved some swearing and a rude joke. When Dad left, Tom came into the kitchen and said that he never wants to hear me talking like that with my Dad again. He said it was wrong and there was something…

Negative

I’ve been going to counselling for just over a month. I thought it was starting to help in some way, but during my session today, the counsellor told me that I was a really negative person and that I see the negatives in everything. She said I must be difficult to live with, and it…

Space

The tent in the bedroom didn’t work out. Even though the bedroom is large, the tent dominated the space and would have driven me insane, so I moved on to plan B. Tom agreed to get the overgrown garden cleared so I could erect the tent in a secluded corner by the tree. The garden…

Sanctuary

I have no place in this house that I can retreat to for some peace and quiet, some ‘me’ time. I used to meditate, but I can’t anymore as there is nowhere for me, but I really miss it. Nor do I have anywhere to read without interruption. I was thinking that I should try…

Grass

I was about to cut the grass today when Tom stopped me. He told me I wasn’t to do it as I didn’t know what I was doing and would fuck it up. Instead, he said we’d tackle the house together. He suggested he would do downstairs while I did upstairs. I went to our…

Overheard

Yesterday, I took the girls out for the afternoon on their bikes. Amelia can ride confidently, but Rosie is still unsure and needs lots of encouragement. Tom refused to come with us or look after Annie as he was tired and wanted a nap before going to the pub in the evening. Today, we met…

Relate

I’ve booked to see a counsellor next Tuesday, just for me; Tom doesn’t want to go. Things are getting really bad; we might be okay for a day or two, but then it starts to slip again. I phoned Relate this morning to see if they’d see me alone and how much they charge. I…

Doctor

I don’t feel well. I’m not physically ill, but I think I might be mentally ill. I sit here constantly questioning if Tom is right and if there is something wrong with me; he’s always telling me that there is, maybe he’s right. Sometimes I think that it’s him, but most of the time, I…

Act

Tom and I have barely spoken all week, other than for him to call me lazy. He always fails to notice how much I do. Actually, he fails to notice that I do anything – insisting that all I do is ‘sit on your arse all day long.’ Despite me telling him that I think…

Flap

The alarm went off at half-past six this morning. I got the older girls ready for school and fed and dressed Annie. I was exhausted as I’d been up with Annie five or six times in the night again. Tom stayed in bed sleeping until just after nine o’clock when I got back from the…

Steps

Tom’s many trips away and the endless nights at the pub have been really affecting me, so when I saw a 6-man tent in perfect condition for sale for £25, I snapped it up. I planned a weekend away for us all. He refused to come with us. The children and I came back from…