Money

Paralysed

Balanced

2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…

Resistance

I’m having a big lesson in letting go today. For the last three years, I have held on to bags and bags of stuff that we no longer use or want to put on eBay and get some money for, supposedly, but the trouble with that is I hate eBay. I hate the time it…

Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements, so after dropping Annie to school, I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked, and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I…

Avenue

I have had such a productive week, and it feels really good. I have finally got my head around one of the avenues I’m exploring for earning money – writing – and this week I have made myself work from 10 am until 3 pm each day. I am so pleased with the progress I’ve…

Contribute

I had a look at a forum I used to use a few years ago, and a strange feeling washed over me reading everyone’s threads. Firstly, it felt comfortable – I missed the chats I used to participate in. Secondly, reading through threads of people I used to know fairly well, I realised how much…

Duty

Yesterday, my mum turned up with a bag in her hand and asked if she could stay the night. She’d had an argument with my step-dad, and she didn’t want to be around him. I let her in, and she spent the entire afternoon and evening offloading it all onto me. Once she left today,…

Monopolised

Tom joined us for a barbecue today. Later, my dad popped round for a visit. Dad didn’t ask where the kids were – in their rooms – and he didn’t even attempt to say hello to them when they came downstairs shortly afterwards. Tom offered him food from the barbecue and then sat with us…

Escort

As I lay in bed and sleep wouldn’t come – as usual – I started thinking about what I would do if I had a lot of disposable income.

Three

Magic

I’ve been thinking a lot about my lack of money. It’s all I think about. I had £18 in my purse this morning. I don’t think I’ll have any more money for another two weeks. Obviously, this is going to cause a huge problem. I asked myself why I am struggling so much and wondered…

Try

I succeeded today. The only way to fail is to not try, and to try is to be successful. I took action. The steps were small but significant because they took me one step forward compared to where I was yesterday. I suppose all I can do is take one small step forward at a…

Predicament

Dreaming I am driving along a seafront. The sea on my left is really high and has come in all over the road. I drive through the water; it splashes right over an old lady and a man on my right. I see her wiping water away from her mouth. I realise I was driving through too fast, and I slow down. Although I feel a bit bad for soaking them, I’m also laughing at what I’ve done. I have £30 to my name, and it is the day of two…

Shed

Dreaming It is the day before Annie’s birthday party. All of her presents are wrapped, and I’m making a list of what I have to do in the morning before her party, which is after school. On the list, I write: buy food, buy pink crepe paper and gold paper. There is a shed in the garden on the left; the shed is divided in half. The left half is empty, so I am going to cover the outside walls in the pink crepe…

Scream

I’ve been reading back over everything I wrote here over the years, and it makes for interesting and sad reading. It’s made me realise that, for now at least, I can’t see myself living with a man again. There is a part of me that loves the thought of living with someone I love, but…

Alone

Last week, a friend posted on Facebook directly after I posted about having a takeaway. It really offended and upset me. I’ve tried to rise above it and ignore it, but today I figured that if it’s still bothering me after five days, I should say something. I remembered one of the Five Regrets of…

Floor

I always knew that this was going to be a really difficult week or two, but I underestimated just how hard it would be. The list of jobs I still have to get through is vast, and still growing. Today, all I managed to do was the food shopping and buy the bits I need…

Coaching

After a year of deliberation and just not really knowing what I should do with my life or even what I want to do, I’m so glad that I’ve finally decided to train as a life coach. I want a career that enables me to: I’ve spent the last couple of weeks looking into courses….

Struggling

I’m really struggling at the moment. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m a single parent or if there’s more to it than that, but everything is getting on top of me. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I’m letting my children down; we never have enough money for the things we need,…

Missed

Dreaming I am sitting at a table with my family and friends. My aunt Mary is there, my cousins – although they don’t look like my cousins – apart from Ashley, who has a baby in her arms and is pregnant, which I didn’t know about; my friends Melissa and Rebecca. My family are all next to me to my right; Melissa in front on the next table with her back to me, and Rebecca on the table in front and to my left. Melissa turns around, and I…

Weight

I received a letter this morning informing me that the government’s recently announced changes are starting to take effect, which means that a benefit I receive for the children will be cut by £10 per week. This means I now need to find an extra £40 per month. I’m almost sure that if I were…

Powerless

Tom came to my home today. He ate lunch at my house, sat on my sofa, and watched my TV. He wanted to know how much money Josh was paying me. He wasn’t happy with the amount. He told me to tell Josh he has to pay more. I told him it was none of…

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…

Unwelcome

Dreaming I am in a fairly big tent; I live there with Tom & the children. It is the morning; I look outside. In the sky, I see a plane. I know that it is going to drop a bomb; I watch it, scared that it will drop over us. Suddenly the bomb drops, falling onto the city just north of us. I am scared that it will drop more, though. I think of all the lives that have been lost under the bomb and feel sad. I go and gather up Annie…

Slow

I don’t feel good today. Telling the children has made it all the more real. It seems to be all part of the slow process of leaving. I’m having concerns about how Tom will cope once we’re gone. He’ll be rattling around in a big house on his own; he currently has no work, no…

Money

Dreaming My Dad has died and left me nothing. I am at his house searching for his money. I know he has left it somewhere. I search everywhere, but I can’t find it. I remember the secret part of the house that no one but me knows about. I am certain he would have put it there. It is at the back of the house and through a door that nobody else goes into. I have been in this secret part before in another dream;…

Over

I’ve told Tom that it’s over and that I will be moving out as soon as I can. He keeps trying to hug me, but I brush him off. We haven’t had any physical contact for six months and no longer sleep in the same bed, so why now? I know now that he will…

Forward

We were supposed to be clearing the garden today, ready for new turf. It’s a big garden with lots of crap dumped in it, so it was a whole day’s work. I went outside with Annie and started to tidy while Tom sat doing nothing except scrolling through Facebook. Eventually, after I’d dug up and…

Question

The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve deeper than I’ve ever gone before into all areas. Today it was money, namely Tom’s money. I don’t feel that I’m entitled to it, that it’s wrong for me to ask. And then there’s my…

Testing

Dreaming

Fear

I really can’t take any more of this and will be doing everything in my power to get out in the next few months. I really hope and pray that I have the strength to do so. I’ve put up with his shit for long enough. I am so sick of the mental cruelty. Yet…

How?

Looking back, I can see that I’ve always put everyone else’s needs before my own. I always thought that was what made me a good mum, partner, sister, daughter and friend, but I’m starting to feel like a complete fool.

Lower

Today has been really challenging. I’m tired and stressed, and I can’t see any way out. I have been looking for houses to rent, but there’s nothing in my price range and nothing in the areas I want to live. I had a chat with a solicitor, but it doesn’t sound hopeful. Tom refused to…

Charm

Tom and I disagreed a few days ago; it was over in minutes, and as far as I was concerned, that was that, but that night he got up from the sofa and went up to bed without saying a word to me, something that hasn’t happened for months. I was really upset about that,…

Unimportant

Tom has put the house he lived in before we moved in here together up for sale. He walked in, told me he’d had an offer, I asked how much and he said, ‘Why? What does it matter?’ I said surely as a couple that lives as husband and wife, we should talk about how…

Endless

I left my marriage to Greg for many reasons, but one of them was that he was so money-oriented. When we divorced six years ago, I agreed that he would pay me £50 per week in child support for Amelia and Rosie, even though I knew this was £10 less than the CSA would have…

Because

Tom told me today that he’s in debt and it’s all because of me. He said I pushed him into buying a house and moving in together, even though it was actually all his idea. He said that I use him and all I’m interested in is his money and sex, which I find really…

Tingle

Dreaming

Knowledge

One day last week, Tom woke up in a bit of a mood. The best way for me to deal with his moods is to leave him alone until he snaps out of it. He was working from home, so he spent the next couple of hours on his laptop. I got on and tidied…

Licence

Dreaming I am at Ruth’s house dropping Rosie off for a party. It is 11 am. I go into the house; Ruth is there fighting back tears. I hear her tell Abi that her dad died yesterday. I am about to leave to go shopping. I ask Ruth if she needs anything. She says she…

Fraud

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse, and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for a long time if Tom might be abusive, but I also wonder if I have mental health issues that make me paranoid and think that he’s abusive. I was hoping that by going along to…

Tip

Dreaming I am on the Isle of Man with Tom and Annie. I think we have been having dinner with or visiting friends. I leave Tom behind while I go on to the hotel. I’m really looking forward to staying here. I go into our room, which is like a whole apartment; lots of browns,…

Naughty

Dreaming I am in a shop/supermarket at the tills, which are in a circle. As I look around, I see wads of money on the ground. The members of staff at the tills haven’t noticed the money on the floor and carry on serving the customers. I go to the right-hand side of the circle,…

Holiday

We’ve just returned from a visit to Tom’s family, and I hated every minute of it.

Doubt

Despite what the counsellor said about me being negative, I’m starting to have doubts. I think she was wrong. Maybe I am negative, but Tom isn’t innocent in all of this; in fact, I’m starting to wonder if I might be in a verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. I’m also wondering if my…

Cheat

Dreaming Tom has told me that he has cheated on me by having a one-night stand. I don’t react and just accept it. He also tells me that he’s going to London for the weekend as he’s seeing someone else but will be back after the weekend. I accept that too. I am sitting on…

Relate

I’ve booked to see a counsellor next Tuesday, just for me; Tom doesn’t want to go. Things are getting really bad; we might be okay for a day or two, but then it starts to slip again. I phoned Relate this morning to see if they’d see me alone and how much they charge. I…

Spot

Dreaming I am on a beach; it seems to be split in two halves, but I can’t quite see how. I can, however, see that the part of the beach furthest away, to the right, the tide is out. There are people on this part that are doing something that gets my attention. I go over and see what looks like worms in the wet sand; the people are getting them out of the sand, but…

Win

I recently heard about a deal with some online bingo sites. I don’t play bingo, nor do I gamble – even if I wanted to, I don’t have the money. Several bingo websites had a deal to deposit £10 and get an extra £20 free play. You could only do it once per site, but…

Mother

Tom came home from his skiing holiday yesterday. I went to pick him up at the airport, but when I saw him, my heart sank. I suddenly realised what a lovely stress-free week the children and I had, and how it would all change. He appeared at the airport entrance sun-burned and saying he was…

Manage

It’s Tom’s sixth day of his skiing holiday with his family. A holiday that was too expensive to take me and the children on, but not too expensive for him. I’m exhausted managing everything on my own with all four children, although it has been nice not to have any arguing or name-calling. Being alone…

Cost

Tom left home for another four days away to attend his best friend’s birthday party. Again, we weren’t asked to join him, and again, I’ve been left at home alone with all of the children. He did give me £50 to buy food for the next few days, while he’s taken £500 over with him,…

Different

It’s been another weekend of ups and downs. Yesterday, I woke feeling really strong and positive. I decided I wasn’t taking his crap any longer and never again would I ask him for money. When I needed to go and get some shopping, I just said, “Where’s the bank card? I’m going to get food.”…

Rollercoaster

Just as I was starting to really believe things were changing, I’m now worrying that things with Tom are slipping again. Tonight, I popped out for an hour to take Josh to his judo class. When I got back, I wanted to have a little bit of time to unwind, but then Annie woke up….

Together

I suggested to Tom that we get a babysitter for Saturday night and have a night out together. We haven’t had any time, just the two of us, since I was a couple of months pregnant. I haven’t had a night out at all for five months. He said no. He said that he liked…

Bleeding

Dreaming I am in a house with Clive, Susie and the children. Clive is taking the children somewhere and tells me they’ll be back at 9.15pm. Susie and Clive think this is okay. I am unhappy and tell them there is no way my children are going out alone until that time, and that I’ll be going…

Names

As Annie had a feed and fell asleep in my arms, I was looking at her and thinking about how one day she could be looking down at her children, and it made me quite melancholy. I told Tom what I’d been thinking, and he said that we won’t be around to see grandchildren. I…

Allowance

Tom and I don’t have a joint bank account; he doesn’t want one. Instead, he gives me money for food. Until recently, he was giving me £10 or £20 each day to get dinner, but when I said I wanted to be able to do a weekly shop, he agreed to put a monthly amount…