Greg

Replacement

At counselling today, we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom had thrown a huge spanner in the works. He’d given me a lift as my car is still broken, and suddenly he asked my opinion on the time we had sex a couple of months ago. I…

Diary

Phil came over this afternoon. I had horrendous period pain and a headache, which I told him about before he arrived. I told him I’d be monging on the sofa in my pyjamas and asked if he was okay with that. He said he’d bring his PJs and mong too. Josh answered the door and…

Password

Dreaming I am outside somewhere with a laptop. Greg has given me permission to go into his account. I type in his password, ‘555GRO’.

Darkness

I’m really restless and stressed this morning. There is a workman here replacing the broken gate and that makes me uptight. I know as soon as he leaves I’ll be able to relax again. I woke at 6.30 am because I was stressed about him arriving, even though he wasn’t coming until gone 9 am….

Judgement

I woke feeling much better than I have for the last few weeks. I felt positive, balanced and centred ~ a state the relationship anxiety course leader calls ‘when your heart is open instead of closed down through fear.’ I was energised and ready to tackle the housework that’s been building all week – a…

Bittersweet

My Dad rang this morning; he said he wanted to see how I was, as I’d been on his mind the last few days. He wondered if everything was okay. The cynical part of me thinks he saw something that I posted on Facebook last night, and he’s turning it around so it seems that…

Rescue

It suddenly struck me today why Phil is back in my life; why Tom is still in my life; why I’m having issues with friends; and why I was with Greg and Danny. I unravelled my past into a heap of jumble to be sifted through and put into some order, if possible. Danny, Greg,…

Unveiled

Today was so hard. I spent the whole day questioning if I am only interested in Phil now because he’s moved on, or was it just the kick I needed to make me see what he means to me? The more the day went on, the more my head imploded until, in the end, I…

Awakening

Dreaming I am in a house that is mine, but unrecognisable to me. I raise my right hand above an object (I think it was a purse) and can feel energy in my hand. I lift it, and the object rises too. I realise that the awakening has made this happen, that I now have…

Explore

I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and finding pleasure in pottering around the house, finding little things to do. I can’t deny it hasn’t brought me a lot of pleasure over the years, but today I feel something different, and it feels…

Balanced

2013 was one of my most challenging years to date, with Rosie’s operation, her extended and very worrying time in intensive care and her month-long recovery, followed soon after by Amelia being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and spending what seemed like half the year sleeping. That has put added pressure on her at school in…

Resistance

I’m having a big lesson in letting go today. For the last three years, I have held on to bags and bags of stuff that we no longer use or want to put on eBay and get some money for, supposedly, but the trouble with that is I hate eBay. I hate the time it…

Sense

Karen and I went to see the psychic today. She talked about previous relationships and said that I’d had a really rough ride with relationships my entire life. She then repeated that and really stressed the point about how hard a time I’d had, which is something I’ve only accepted myself in the last few…

Blip

I woke up missing Phil, but that changed shortly afterwards to doubts. I don’t know why they’ve started up again. I’m questioning once again if what I feel for Phil is enough. I’m reminding myself how the issues I had before living with Danny, Greg and Tom remained afterwards, and became major issues which ultimately…

Maybe

I did some research today and found some really interesting information that fits me to a T. It’s making me think that I have relationship anxiety. There’s no wonder, with my parents’ example of a relationship, and their emotional neglect throughout my childhood; Danny cheating and then abandoning me with a baby; Greg’s selfishness and…

Pieces

I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…

Pressure

I’ve not been feeling good lately. I’m exhausted all of the time. I feel drained of all energy, yet I really struggle to sleep at night. Last night Amelia asked me if I could phone the dentist for her today. My internal reaction to her request was really negative. I felt as though it was…

Try

I succeeded today. The only way to fail is to not try, and to try is to be successful. I took action. The steps were small but significant because they took me one step forward compared to where I was yesterday. I suppose all I can do is take one small step forward at a…

Scream

I’ve been reading back over everything I wrote here over the years, and it makes for interesting and sad reading. It’s made me realise that, for now at least, I can’t see myself living with a man again. There is a part of me that loves the thought of living with someone I love, but…

Silence

After six days of silence, I still haven’t heard from Theo, and I feel a bit annoyed. I feel used. But wouldn’t it be true to say that maybe I used him just as much, especially as I don’t want more from him. However, meeting him has made me realise that I will not settle…

Parts

I’m going to be forty this year, and it’s been on my mind a lot the last few days. Not because I’m worried about getting older. It’s been on my mind because I realised that, statistically speaking, this is half of my life gone, and only half left, at the most. I feel as though…

Floor

I always knew that this was going to be a really difficult week or two, but I underestimated just how hard it would be. The list of jobs I still have to get through is vast, and still growing. Today, all I managed to do was the food shopping and buy the bits I need…

Guilt

I’ve ended things with Phil. I didn’t do it in an ideal way; I texted him. I knew if I did it face to face, I would weaken and change my mind, not because I love him, but because the guilt factor would have kicked in massively. That is, after all, the reason I stayed…

Losing

Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…

Vocation

I recently read The Five Love Languages, and within three chapters, I understood my relationship history, what made some relationships work for as long as they did and why they had ultimately failed. I worked out that to feel loved, I need physical touch and I need quality time with my partner. Those men who…

Meals

I slept really badly – my mind was nagging at me throughout the night. It all seemed to stem from the most innocent of conversations with Phil about the meals he eats; microwave meals most of the time, as he sees no point in cooking just for himself and is too tired to prepare and…

Link

At my counselling session today, we discussed something that’s become a bit of a problem recently – my use of the internet. My eyes open, I go downstairs, and almost every day I turn on my laptop before I do anything else. Some mornings we’re late for school because I’ve spent time on there. Often…

Attraction

Eleven months have passed since I moved into this house and away from Tom. I don’t even want to think about where I was, emotionally, this time last year. Certainly not where I am now – enjoying the peace of a childfree, sunny and warm Sunday afternoon, feeling relaxed and content. It got me thinking…

Runners

Dreaming It is morning; I have just woken. Greg/Tom (Greg is more prominent) is in bed next to me.

Undercurrent

Dreaming I am walking through the local shopping centre; there are men dancing towards me swathed in fabric that is glittery and pink. There is a lot of fun going on but I feel an undercurrent of slight fear as they come towards me.

List

I decided to make a list tonight of all the reasons I will never get back together with Tom. I went through my diaries, listing everything out, and as I read through everything, more and more memories came back to the surface – things I had never written about but were obviously hurtful enough for…

Integrity

Discoveries are not always good things, but maybe something to learn from… I discovered that I speak from my head and not my heart. I’m not sure I’ve ever really spoken from the heart. I definitely think that what I say or do an awful lot of the time is driven by fear, but how…

Dismiss

My psychotherapist says that I dismiss myself. Maybe I do, but when did it start? I know that Tom dismisses me often. I’ve just told him how lonely and isolated it is being a mum; he gave me ‘the look’ and dismissed it completely. He does this a lot. He’s done this for so long…

Testing

Dreaming

Reaquainting

There are many things that people might think are the worst things about the kind of relationship I’m in. Maybe they think it’s the shouting and screaming, or they may believe it’s the actual words that get said. They may see it as the manipulation that’s the hardest thing to bear, or the constant worry…

Endless

I left my marriage to Greg for many reasons, but one of them was that he was so money-oriented. When we divorced six years ago, I agreed that he would pay me £50 per week in child support for Amelia and Rosie, even though I knew this was £10 less than the CSA would have…

Doubt

Despite what the counsellor said about me being negative, I’m starting to have doubts. I think she was wrong. Maybe I am negative, but Tom isn’t innocent in all of this; in fact, I’m starting to wonder if I might be in a verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. I’m also wondering if my…

Nit

Dreaming I am looking in the mirror; my skin is really clear. I have sunglasses on and push them onto my head, over my hair. Greg comes in with a man from work and puts some cards on the side; one is addressed to me and says ‘Open Monday’. It has silly love poems on…

Guard

Dreaming It is a Saturday morning, and I am driving to Elmsford. Greg, Amelia and Rosie are with me. The car doesn’t feel like it is working properly; it is bumpy, but I ignore it. I am driving fast, and I find myself falling out of the window. I struggle to get back in and…

Bunking

Dreaming I am in school with Sarah; it is first school, and we are singing nursery rhymes. I am bored as I know them already. At break time, Sarah and I leave the school and start walking down a very steep hill. I am struggling to carry a suitcase/fridge down with me. I realise it…

Inferior

Dreaming I am driving on the motorway towards Hazleton. The traffic ahead is coming to a standstill; I brake hard and stop. The car behind hits me, but only gently. I turn around to look, and the man in the car – which is blue – smiles. To my left are four cars that have all crashed;…

Imposing

Dreaming I am living at Church Lane, but this time it belongs to me. It is the summer. Abi lives with me, and Izzy lives next door. Abi comes into the front living room; she is dressed smartly. I ask her where she is going; she tells me to a meeting, and she goes, leaving…

Mud

Dreaming Izzy is pregnant; she is insisting that we take her to the hospital as she wants to give birth. I keep saying to her that it isn’t time yet, as she isn’t having contractions and her waters haven’t broken yet, but she still insists. Izzy becomes Josh and says, “Actually, my waters have broken.”…

Concertina

Dreaming I am at home and going to make pasta. Greg is with me and breaks the pasta up. I ask him to go and buy some more. He gets in my car, which is yellow, and drives it carelessly and dangerously. When he comes back, my car is ruined, crushed. Greg gets out of…

Baby

Dreaming I am at 18 Devon Street. Erin knocks on the door; she has a friend with her. They both have babies that are seven months old. They ask if I will look after the babies. I agree, and they hand me the babies’ bags and put a baby in each arm. Erin kisses her…

Josh

Dreaming I am in a large department store with Josh. I see Fern and ask her if she is pregnant; she is, and she shows me her tummy. I show her mine because I’m pregnant too. I hear Bridget call me; she’s pregnant too. I ask Fern how long she has left; she says two weeks, but…