I went to the hospital for a colposcopy this morning after my smear test revealed some mildly abnormal cells. Afterwards, I dressed and went into the doctor’s office. The doctor said that from what she could see, my cervix didn’t look cancerous and that the biopsy would confirm this when I get the results in…
Unthinkable
It was Annie’s sports day today. I did a lot less watching the sport than I did talking to Tom. I wanted to be close to him, wanted to be with him. I am still so in love with him. He was happy, laughing, fun. He was the Tom I fell in love with almost…
Glazed
Dreaming There is a baby; all of the doctors and medical staff have given it up for dead. It looks dead; its eyes are open but glazed, and it has a deathly pallor to it. I pick up the baby and hold it. I can feel a flicker of life in it. I tell all the medical staff, but they’re uninterested. The more time I spend with the baby, the more alive it becomes, but nobody notices. Even when the baby is moving, smiling, totally animated, still no one shows any interest and just keeps telling me it is dead. I know they are wrong, and…
Foundation
I spent some time reading diaries I’d written so long ago when Josh was born, and I realised what a good mum I was. Considering I was only seventeen when I had him, and given how difficult the circumstances were with my mum and dad, then later with Danny, and being a single parent, I did…
Offending
I’ve spent all day feeling angry. I’m angry at Phil, and I’m angry with someone I met recently and befriended, but who has already abused the friendship. Most of all, I’m angry at myself for allowing all this to happen in the first place. I’m so naive, and I’m too trusting. I always see the…
Surface
I don’t think Phil is genuine, not the way I once did. More and more, it feels as though he’s created a version of himself that he thinks I want, and every now and then, the real him slips through. Those moments make me question everything. A friend messaged me tonight to ask how I…
Grandad
Dreaming I am in a fancy dress shop. I’m trying to remember what it is I need to buy a costume for. The person I am with tells me I need a grass skirt for Patsy’s party, but I say I need something else as well. I can’t remember what. I am in a school playground with Annie and her friends; Annie looks really ill. She has really heavy, red eyes and a rash on her face. I feel her head; she is roasting hot. I talk to Mrs Jeffery and tell her I think Annie is ill. She goes…
Crumpled
Dreaming Karen gives Annie a birthday present: a blind for her bedroom. I put it up in a room that is nothing like any room in our house; it makes the room quite dark. The blind has two or three parts to it, so I raise the first part to lower the other two parts. As I do so, the one on the right becomes slightly crumpled. Mum suggests opening it up as much as the fabric will allow to un-crumple it….
Cousin
Dreaming I am in the living room. There are balls of wool unravelled by my feet, all different colours, some wrapped around my ankles. I think the kids have been playing with them, but there is wool everywhere. The doorbell rings; I am concerned as I don’t want anyone to come round and see the mess everywhere. I answer the door to find my cousin standing there. I keep looking back to make sure Jasper isn’t about to run out; I keep the door just slightly ajar. I…
Younger
Dreaming I am with a younger, good-looking man. He is in love with me, and I, him. We are going to move in together even though we’ve only known each other for four days.
Tradition
Dreaming
Going
I woke up feeling really down and worthless this morning. I had thoughts that I won’t even get an interview for the jobs I’ve applied for because I’m just not good enough. I feel totally worthless and like a failure. Not just because of work or career, but in all areas of my life. I…
Tough
Dreaming I go into Rosie’s bedroom after she has had friends to stay; the bedroom is a mess. I notice the mirror is in a different place; I look to where it usually is. There are two big holes in the wall that are deep enough to reach into Josh’s bedroom. I realise Rosie had her mirror here to hide them. I wonder if she’s been eating the cement the way I used to. The hole on the left has a lot of loose cement, dust-like. I scoop some…
Answers
Dreaming There is a little girl who writes in a pink journal. She finds that it solves a lot of her problems. She is sitting by some grass, writing in it and finding all the answers to her problems.
Predicament
Dreaming I am driving along a seafront. The sea on my left is really high and has come in all over the road. I drive through the water; it splashes right over an old lady and a man on my right. I see her wiping water away from her mouth. I realise I was driving through too fast, and I slow down. Although I feel a bit bad for soaking them, I’m also laughing at what I’ve done. I have £30 to my name, and it is the day of two…
Meeting
Dreaming There is a woman alone in a house. She is at the top of the stairs; the walls all around her are green. Every one of her friends and family are in a meeting. Behind her appears a woman; she is dressed from head to toe in red and black, a bit like Cruella De Vil. The red and black woman pushes the other woman down the stairs.
Shed
Dreaming It is the day before Annie’s birthday party. All of her presents are wrapped, and I’m making a list of what I have to do in the morning before her party, which is after school. On the list, I write: buy food, buy pink crepe paper and gold paper. There is a shed in the garden on the left; the shed is divided in half. The left half is empty, so I am going to cover the outside walls in the pink crepe…
Compartment
Dreaming
January
I don’t know if the teenage years have well and truly hit or if I am messing up in my parenting.
Scream
I’ve been reading back over everything I wrote here over the years, and it makes for interesting and sad reading. It’s made me realise that, for now at least, I can’t see myself living with a man again. There is a part of me that loves the thought of living with someone I love, but…
Relaunch
After months of not knowing what to do, yesterday I decided to just do something. Anything. I debated getting a job in a shop, but then thought, why don’t I just restart my photography business? At least that way, I’d hopefully be getting some work, but still be able to be home for the children,…
Mojo
I’ve lost my mojo. I’ve spent the past few days searching everywhere I can think of, but it’s nowhere to be found. I suppose when some of your last blog posts are called Unravelling, Survive, and Alone, it’s inevitable that the next one in the sequence will be about lost mojos. Maybe I need to retrace…
Alone
Last week, a friend posted on Facebook directly after I posted about having a takeaway. It really offended and upset me. I’ve tried to rise above it and ignore it, but today I figured that if it’s still bothering me after five days, I should say something. I remembered one of the Five Regrets of…
Unravelling
My aunt Nicola, who had special needs, spent a lot of her time knitting squares. The squares would then be sewn together to make blankets. Many of her squares had little mistakes – a small hole here or there, a big hole sometimes. When that happened, my Nan would unravel the squares and help her…
Sunday
Sundays are my nothing days. Seemingly, it looks as though there’s nothing much going on. I tend to either stay in bed all day with a book, a notepad or my laptop, or I do the same on the sofa. In the summer, I may venture to the garden, but still the nothingness remains. Inwardly,…
Flirting
I went on a date with Theo last night.
Wrong
I joined a dating site last week and have been chatting with a man called Theo. Theo is intelligent, interesting, good-looking and very sexy. I’m very attracted to him, but I have so many questions and so many fears. I feel as though I’m not slim enough or beautiful enough for him. He told me…
Seriously
Dreaming I am in a dance hall with a dance partner; he is a dark-skinned, biracial man. We are dancing, but really all we are doing is running across the floor as I don’t know how to dance. I’m not really taking it seriously. He shows me how to position my hand, but I do that thing that I do in life, where I don’t take it seriously and think it can be achieved anyway with…
Chronic
I took Amelia for an appointment about the fatigue, nausea and headaches she’s been suffering from for the last year or so. The consultant spoke to us about the symptoms, the severity and the frequency before he concluded that Amelia has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. We weren’t expecting that at all. I thought he’d say she…
Fickle
I miss Phil. I never thought this would happen, but the last couple of days I’ve really missed him. I’ve told myself it’s the elements of the relationship I miss, but I don’t know if that’s true – the relationship was what it was because of him, because of his kindness, and his patience. I…
Regret
Had I put a little more thought into how I wanted the first day of 2013 to start, I probably would have done it a bit differently.
Deep
When I have a counselling session that goes quite deep, it can leave me feeling a little bit like I’m in shock for a day or two afterwards. It leaves me drained and exhausted.
Movement
The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I feel unsettled and stressed. I’ve had a constant feeling of anxiety – the sick feeling, the constant feeling of being on edge. Too much happened at once.
Losing
Dreaming Tom has a large spider on his hand; he is putting it near my face. I scream, “Don’t show me, don’t show me.” Responding I woke in a panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified, I retreated under my quilt to try to hide from the dream. Spiders represent my biggest fear, so to me, this…
Vocation
I recently read The Five Love Languages, and within three chapters, I understood my relationship history, what made some relationships work for as long as they did and why they had ultimately failed. I worked out that to feel loved, I need physical touch and I need quality time with my partner. Those men who…
Needs
I went back to see Jane, my counsellor, today. I haven’t felt a need to see her since February, but now and then over the last couple of months, I’ve felt a need to talk to her, mainly about my relationship with Phil.
Tired
I wish Tom would take the knife that he’s been twisting, year after year after year, and plunge it deep into my heart, and rip it out for good, quickly and relatively painlessly rather than this ongoing torturous nightmare I’ve endured for so long. I am tired. I am tired of fighting him. Tired of…
Food
Dreaming I am in Maxine’s home, but sometimes she is Louise and my nan’s energy. Ivy is in her bedroom. Maxine is cooking food; I sit on her sofa. I see Ivy on the toilet; she hides my view with a bird cage. A cat goes in my bag and takes a bite out of a packet of cheese I have in there; I give it the rest to finish. I leave Maxine’s house without the food that I think she is making for me. I step outside and see a man,…
Autonomy
I often notice how events in my life tie together, even though they may appear to be very different at first glance. I thought I’d email my friend Esme this morning and see how she is after a recent confession that she ‘knows’ she is going to die. Before emailing her, I did some research…
Observation
Annie received a butterfly observatory for her birthday recently. The caterpillars arrived a couple of days ago, and we’ve been watching them grow, excitedly anticipating the chrysalis stage and then their emergence. I feel like I have begun my development into my chrysalis stage of life too. Realising the career direction I want to go…
Kind
I took a moment today to completely focus on Phil’s many positive attributes with no thoughts of the things that are marring our relationship, at least for me. I’m nowhere near the stage of moving in together or marriage, but I do want to continue a relationship with him, and I do want to focus…
Exclusive
Dreaming I am sitting in a tent. Horses are running around outside; I’m hoping they won’t come in. One does. It looks like a blue Bulldog. I am on holiday in Cornwall with Phil, the kids, Tom and his new girlfriend (he doesn’t have one in waking life). The tide is out; golden sands are crying out to be played on before the sea comes back in, but I can’t find anywhere to park other than outside a rough-looking pub which turns out to be an exclusive members pub for posh people. They instruct me…
Ghosts
I’m generally not one of those people who tries to ignore change or keep life exactly as it’s always been. On the whole, I try to embrace change. I realised I’ve been resisting it for months despite the internal niggles to do something. It’s almost two years since we moved into this house and it…
Away
I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now, but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. I’ve been having mild panic attacks every time I go out. I’ve found myself standing in supermarkets, suddenly shaking and breathless, with an overwhelming feeling of panic and the need to get out of there…
Thirty-Six
Dreaming I am on a street with Dad, about to go and view a house. I am looking at a house on one side of the road which looks really nice; it is number thirty-seven, but I’m not sure it’s the right one. I look for number thirty-eight as I’ve forgotten which one we’re seeing. Dad then says he can see which one; it’s over the other side of the road and is number thirty-six. The house is grotty. It is boarded up and run down, whereas the one over the…
Source
Dreaming I am at the house of a woman; I may be moving to her house. She appears to be well dressed, well spoken, not posh but has an air about her. Her house has the feeling of a lot of white and gold, although I don’t actually ‘see’ the colours. While talking to her, I realise that I am parked in the car park and haven’t bought a ticket. I go outside, and a man tells me not to bother as it’s almost the time when…