I had a look at a forum I used to use a few years ago, and a strange feeling washed over me reading everyone’s threads. Firstly, it felt comfortable – I missed the chats I used to participate in. Secondly, reading through threads of people I used to know fairly well, I realised how much…
Halloween
It’s Halloween… to mark the occasion, I started the day off facing some of my worst fears.
Urge
When I left Tom, I started finding my truth. My thoughts recently are the culmination of three years of finding myself, finding my truth, and now starting to live it. Events over the last few days have powered these thoughts further. My friend Viv confided in me that there is a man who is in…
Wednesday
I’m not happy. Driving back from the school run, it suddenly struck me that despite fooling myself for a long time that I am happy with my life, I’m not. My life is empty and meaningless. It’s 9.27am on a Wednesday morning; I’ve done the school run, and I’m back in bed. Why? Because I’m…
Move
I’ve noticed that my periods have changed recently, and I’m sure I’m in, or moving towards, peri-menopause. My last period started on the eleventh of September; I spotted for two days, then stopped. Four days later, I bled properly, then spotted for a couple more days. However, I think I ovulated last weekend – pain…
Directions
Susie and I had lunch together, and I had a surreal moment of realisation. Firstly, Susie and I have lost the connection we had. Whereas we used to spend hours together most days, and then still ring each other up later to talk more, today we sat for ninety minutes and soon ran out of…
Sense
Karen and I went to see the psychic today. She talked about previous relationships and said that I’d had a really rough ride with relationships my entire life. She then repeated that and really stressed the point about how hard a time I’d had, which is something I’ve only accepted myself in the last few…
Future
I’m still having some doubts about whether I feel enough for Phil or not. Really, these fears started last week when I spoke to Karen about a forthcoming appointment we have with a psychic who is reputed to be amazing. I’ve since Googled her and found many reports claiming the same. My fear at the…
Bolt-On
I went to Phil’s last night despite some negative feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to go so I wouldn’t start backing out again. It was nice. We had a takeaway, watched music videos and got slightly drunk. We stayed up till 4.30 am talking, but I felt detached and…
Blip
I woke up missing Phil, but that changed shortly afterwards to doubts. I don’t know why they’ve started up again. I’m questioning once again if what I feel for Phil is enough. I’m reminding myself how the issues I had before living with Danny, Greg and Tom remained afterwards, and became major issues which ultimately…
Stake
I have a dilemma and don’t know if what I decide will be construed as supportive or interfering – my intention is supportive.
Plodding
I feel like I’m in limbo; maybe I’ve felt that way for the last few years. When I think back over my diary entries, all I see is a mundane life, and that saddens me a little. I have no tales of wild adventures, travelling, or meeting new and interesting people. My life consists of…
Monopolised
Tom joined us for a barbecue today. Later, my dad popped round for a visit. Dad didn’t ask where the kids were – in their rooms – and he didn’t even attempt to say hello to them when they came downstairs shortly afterwards. Tom offered him food from the barbecue and then sat with us…
Maybe
I did some research today and found some really interesting information that fits me to a T. It’s making me think that I have relationship anxiety. There’s no wonder, with my parents’ example of a relationship, and their emotional neglect throughout my childhood; Danny cheating and then abandoning me with a baby; Greg’s selfishness and…
Pieces
I’ve been thinking about my life, and it has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. The anger I previously wrote about related to Danny and Greg is even greater. Not for what they did when we were together, but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of…
Danger
CONTENT WARNING This dream contains sexual violence, including rape. Dreaming
Countdown
Dreaming I am standing with a man when, in the distance, not too far away, a spaceship/rocket takes off. We see the countdown, and the smoke building at the bottom and then the rocket takes off. We watch it go into the clouds and then out of sight. I can see from my viewpoint that the spaceship took off from the top of Retby Hill. I say to the person with me, ‘I never even…
Pressure
I’ve not been feeling good lately. I’m exhausted all of the time. I feel drained of all energy, yet I really struggle to sleep at night. Last night Amelia asked me if I could phone the dentist for her today. My internal reaction to her request was really negative. I felt as though it was…
Escort
As I lay in bed and sleep wouldn’t come – as usual – I started thinking about what I would do if I had a lot of disposable income.
Impulsive
I spent some time chatting to the builder Dave, who did some work on the house when we moved in. We’ve become friendly over the months. Today, he was filling me in on his confusing love life. He’s ended things with his girlfriend as she lived too far away, and he was doing all the…
Hesitantly
Dreaming I am sitting at the kitchen table; Tom leans over me and says, “There’s been a lack of kisses around here lately.” He then leans in and kisses my lips. I’m concerned about the kids seeing, but I hesitantly kiss him back. After a couple of kisses, it becomes slightly more urgent, and Tom asks if I’m still on my period. He wants sex, but I don’t know where we would do it with the kids around. I want to, though.
Mink
Dreaming Tom and I are getting married. It is the morning of the wedding, but I’ve left the arranging until the last minute. This isn’t a problem though; it’s just the way I do everything. I choose a dress and some gold shoes, and we get married, although this part doesn’t feature. After the ceremony, we have a couple of photos taken by the photographer we’ve hired, and then we go on to the reception. Me and…
Out
Last night, I went out with my friend Sam, and it did me so much good. Although I’m suffering slightly today, mainly from tiredness, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I love our nights out together, although they haven’t happened for such a long time. Most of all, I’m feeling something that I…
Abnormal
I went to the hospital for a colposcopy this morning after my smear test revealed some mildly abnormal cells. Afterwards, I dressed and went into the doctor’s office. The doctor said that from what she could see, my cervix didn’t look cancerous and that the biopsy would confirm this when I get the results in…
Unthinkable
It was Annie’s sports day today. I did a lot less watching the sport than I did talking to Tom. I wanted to be close to him, wanted to be with him. I am still so in love with him. He was happy, laughing, fun. He was the Tom I fell in love with almost…
Glazed
Dreaming There is a baby; all of the doctors and medical staff have given it up for dead. It looks dead; its eyes are open but glazed, and it has a deathly pallor to it. I pick up the baby and hold it. I can feel a flicker of life in it. I tell all the medical staff, but they’re uninterested. The more time I spend with the baby, the more alive it becomes, but nobody notices. Even when the baby is moving, smiling, totally animated, still no one shows any interest and just keeps telling me it is dead. I know they are wrong, and…
Foundation
I spent some time reading diaries I’d written so long ago when Josh was born, and I realised what a good mum I was. Considering I was only seventeen when I had him, and given how difficult the circumstances were with my mum and dad, then later with Danny, and being a single parent, I did…
Offending
I’ve spent all day feeling angry. I’m angry at Phil, and I’m angry with someone I met recently and befriended, but who has already abused the friendship. Most of all, I’m angry at myself for allowing all this to happen in the first place. I’m so naive, and I’m too trusting. I always see the…
Surface
I don’t think Phil is genuine, not the way I once did. More and more, it feels as though he’s created a version of himself that he thinks I want, and every now and then, the real him slips through. Those moments make me question everything. A friend messaged me tonight to ask how I…
Grandad
Dreaming I am in a fancy dress shop. I’m trying to remember what it is I need to buy a costume for. The person I am with tells me I need a grass skirt for Patsy’s party, but I say I need something else as well. I can’t remember what. I am in a school playground with Annie and her friends; Annie looks really ill. She has really heavy, red eyes and a rash on her face. I feel her head; she is roasting hot. I talk to Mrs Jeffery and tell her I think Annie is ill. She goes…
Crumpled
Dreaming Karen gives Annie a birthday present: a blind for her bedroom. I put it up in a room that is nothing like any room in our house; it makes the room quite dark. The blind has two or three parts to it, so I raise the first part to lower the other two parts. As I do so, the one on the right becomes slightly crumpled. Mum suggests opening it up as much as the fabric will allow to un-crumple it….
Cousin
Dreaming I am in the living room. There are balls of wool unravelled by my feet, all different colours, some wrapped around my ankles. I think the kids have been playing with them, but there is wool everywhere. The doorbell rings; I am concerned as I don’t want anyone to come round and see the mess everywhere. I answer the door to find my cousin standing there. I keep looking back to make sure Jasper isn’t about to run out; I keep the door just slightly ajar. I…
Younger
Dreaming I am with a younger, good-looking man. He is in love with me, and I, him. We are going to move in together even though we’ve only known each other for four days.
Tradition
Dreaming
Going
I woke up feeling really down and worthless this morning. I had thoughts that I won’t even get an interview for the jobs I’ve applied for because I’m just not good enough. I feel totally worthless and like a failure. Not just because of work or career, but in all areas of my life. I…
Tough
Dreaming I go into Rosie’s bedroom after she has had friends to stay; the bedroom is a mess. I notice the mirror is in a different place; I look to where it usually is. There are two big holes in the wall that are deep enough to reach into Josh’s bedroom. I realise Rosie had her mirror here to hide them. I wonder if she’s been eating the cement the way I used to. The hole on the left has a lot of loose cement, dust-like. I scoop some…
Answers
Dreaming There is a little girl who writes in a pink journal. She finds that it solves a lot of her problems. She is sitting by some grass, writing in it and finding all the answers to her problems.
Predicament
Dreaming I am driving along a seafront. The sea on my left is really high and has come in all over the road. I drive through the water; it splashes right over an old lady and a man on my right. I see her wiping water away from her mouth. I realise I was driving through too fast, and I slow down. Although I feel a bit bad for soaking them, I’m also laughing at what I’ve done. I have £30 to my name, and it is the day of two…
Meeting
Dreaming There is a woman alone in a house. She is at the top of the stairs; the walls all around her are green. Every one of her friends and family are in a meeting. Behind her appears a woman; she is dressed from head to toe in red and black, a bit like Cruella De Vil. The red and black woman pushes the other woman down the stairs.
Shed
Dreaming It is the day before Annie’s birthday party. All of her presents are wrapped, and I’m making a list of what I have to do in the morning before her party, which is after school. On the list, I write: buy food, buy pink crepe paper and gold paper. There is a shed in the garden on the left; the shed is divided in half. The left half is empty, so I am going to cover the outside walls in the pink crepe…
Compartment
Dreaming
January
I don’t know if the teenage years have well and truly hit or if I am messing up in my parenting.
Scream
I’ve been reading back over everything I wrote here over the years, and it makes for interesting and sad reading. It’s made me realise that, for now at least, I can’t see myself living with a man again. There is a part of me that loves the thought of living with someone I love, but…
Relaunch
After months of not knowing what to do, yesterday I decided to just do something. Anything. I debated getting a job in a shop, but then thought, why don’t I just restart my photography business? At least that way, I’d hopefully be getting some work, but still be able to be home for the children,…
Mojo
I’ve lost my mojo. I’ve spent the past few days searching everywhere I can think of, but it’s nowhere to be found. I suppose when some of your last blog posts are called Unravelling, Survive, and Alone, it’s inevitable that the next one in the sequence will be about lost mojos. Maybe I need to retrace…
Alone
Last week, a friend posted on Facebook directly after I posted about having a takeaway. It really offended and upset me. I’ve tried to rise above it and ignore it, but today I figured that if it’s still bothering me after five days, I should say something. I remembered one of the Five Regrets of…
Unravelling
My aunt Nicola, who had special needs, spent a lot of her time knitting squares. The squares would then be sewn together to make blankets. Many of her squares had little mistakes – a small hole here or there, a big hole sometimes. When that happened, my Nan would unravel the squares and help her…
Sunday
Sundays are my nothing days. Seemingly, it looks as though there’s nothing much going on. I tend to either stay in bed all day with a book, a notepad or my laptop, or I do the same on the sofa. In the summer, I may venture to the garden, but still the nothingness remains. Inwardly,…
Flirting
I went on a date with Theo last night.
Wrong
I joined a dating site last week and have been chatting with a man called Theo. Theo is intelligent, interesting, good-looking and very sexy. I’m very attracted to him, but I have so many questions and so many fears. I feel as though I’m not slim enough or beautiful enough for him. He told me…
Seriously
Dreaming I am in a dance hall with a dance partner; he is a dark-skinned, biracial man. We are dancing, but really all we are doing is running across the floor as I don’t know how to dance. I’m not really taking it seriously. He shows me how to position my hand, but I do that thing that I do in life, where I don’t take it seriously and think it can be achieved anyway with…
Chronic
I took Amelia for an appointment about the fatigue, nausea and headaches she’s been suffering from for the last year or so. The consultant spoke to us about the symptoms, the severity and the frequency before he concluded that Amelia has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. We weren’t expecting that at all. I thought he’d say she…
Fickle
I miss Phil. I never thought this would happen, but the last couple of days I’ve really missed him. I’ve told myself it’s the elements of the relationship I miss, but I don’t know if that’s true – the relationship was what it was because of him, because of his kindness, and his patience. I…
Regret
Had I put a little more thought into how I wanted the first day of 2013 to start, I probably would have done it a bit differently.